d'Arcy d'Arcy

Sundance: Corpo Celeste

2012-02-09T14:56:00.001-07:00

This Italian film was the only showing at Sundance this year that made me want to stick a fork in my eyeball, pull it out, and examine it with the eye that I had left in my head. I’m sorry to be so harsh on a medium I love so well (Italian Cinema ftw!), but I gots to tell it how it is.

Marta, a young Swiss girl who has just moved to Italy with her mother and sister, has been enrolled in the local church to prepare for her Catholic confirmation. She’s faced with a faith she doesn’t understand and lots of expectations heaped upon her shoulders of how and what she should be. It’s a good premise for any disaffected Christian like myself and I was looking forward to it. Sweet Marta is very, very moody and very, very dissatisfied with life. At 13. Why? That’s the question you’re going to be asking yourself throughout the whole movie. And not the good kind of “why”…like “Why is the sky blue?” and “Why are puppies so cute?” But the kind of “why” where you can't really reflect on the answer because it doesn't make sense, like “Why is Nicole Kidman injecting her lips again?” and “Why is Winona Ryder shoplifting?” These whys aren't fun. Sure, Marta has a mom who works late and sure and her older sister gets mad at her for borrowing her bra and being so selfish (I sort of agree with the older sister). But ultimately, this is a character that has no motivation (I don't think she knows what's happening to her ever) and gives you no reason to like her and doesn’t really express why she’s so unhappy. There is no WHY.

This film was full of one drawn out scene to the next. There is the scene where her Sunday School teacher yells at her so she goes and cuts all her hair off (beautiful hair) with dull scissors. I was too bored to search for a metaphor here. There is the scene where she finds a liter of newly born kittens and the Sunday School teacher shoves them all in a plastic bag and sends them off to be drowned (not before hitting the bag on the concrete a few times out of lack of humanity…you’ll want to punch someone in this scene because it’s so awful, so sit alone if you see it…note to yourself: don’t see it.) There is the scene where she starts her period (do girls in this modern age get to the age of 13 and REALLY not know what a period is still? Really internet? Really television?) and the only person there to help her is her priest. What is this, I asked myself? A messed up Italian version of the Thornbirds…no, sadly, no because the Thornbirds, while it disturbed me, still held my interest.

Soon the priest and the PMS-suffering-teen go on a journey to the top of a mountain to steal a large, life size crucifix from an old chapel and bring it down the mountain for their congregation to enjoy (because Jesus suffering on the cross is always an enjoyable thing to look at). She’s left alone with it and rubs her hands all over Jesus’s body as the screen gets dark and the lighting gets sexual. This made me get all protective of Jesus. Damn girl! Step away from Jesus! You’re being inappropriate.

Marta hates life. And hates everyone. And does stupid stuff. As a person who likes life. And likes everyone. And tries not to do stupid stuff. I wouldn’t recommend this film.

Sundance: Celeste and Jesse Forever

2012-02-03T11:42:00.001-07:00

I like to credit photos I use, but I don't know where this one is from. Sorry!

The very title Celeste and Jesse Forever sends a scent of Nic and Nora’s Infinite Playlist to your nose...and then you realize that this is no Michael Cera flick. This is a movie for adults—adults who are still getting their hearts broken in the exact same way they did when they were 16. While the title sounds whimsical and lofty, this is anything but a lighthearted comedy. Yes, you will laugh until you pee a little bit. And yes, you will be privy to more witty banter than you’d expect during an evening with Tina Fey..but be forewarned, people…this movie is not for the faint of heart, especially the already-broken-not-quite-healed-ones.

Celeste (Rashida Jones) and Jesse (Andy Samberg) have known each other forever. They are your friendly neighbors who beat all the odds placed against us in this cold, gray “Jersey Shore” world. Their lives are perfection. They have the perfect house, marriage, and well-behaved dog that you can imagine without getting into Stepford territory. They know everything about one another. The chemistry between Jones and Samberg is so real that you want this to be reality television and for them to feel this way in real life. When kismet like this happens in a movie you begin to wonder if your lover could ever know you as these two know each other. The answer to that is a resounding No! Nope. No one does. It’s not reality. But it is cinematic.

Celeste and Jess meet in 8^th grade and marry young. After several years, Celeste realizes Jesse, as much as he listens to her and makes her laugh, is never going to get his shit together and get a real job. They amicably divorce. The divorce is so amicable, that they remain living in the same house, going out with their same friends, and being each other’s BFFs. It’s sort of weird. Who does that? Who divorces and still goes out for pizza? I’ll tell you who—two people who realize the value of the other, two people who still love each other and two people who aren't sure when to let go. I’ve been there. It doesn’t end well. Jesse would take Celeste back in a heartbeat (and helping her build her IKEA dresser at 2 in the morning shows his dedication). And, she sort of enjoys the power she has over him…not in a diabolical way, but in a way that we all really understand. It’s the way all we humans hope our exes still feel about us. It’s always easier being the one who is loved more in a relationship, isn’t it? Then you hold the power. And while Celeste is adorable and kind and funny and charming, she’s also a powerhouse at her job, ambitious, and on the fast track of life. Jesse, she thinks, drags her down. Where is her ambition equal?

During the midst of separation, Jesse has a one-night stand with a beautiful Belgian woman because this is what men naturally do when they divorce. They also don’t use protection and Ms. Belgian becomes pregnant. Then they get remarried to the Belgian beauty. Jesse suddenly realizes he has a child on the way. He starts to grow up. He starts to work. He starts to be responsible. He starts to become everything that Celeste always wanted him to be, except now he’s being that person with someone else.

There are many heart-wrenching scenes throughout the film, and they get more painful as the film goes on. Moments when you are laughing, crying, cringing and then suddenly hitting the person next to you and telling them to turn off the screen because your heart can’t take it any more.

Ultimately, this film is about knowing when to let someone out of your life and when to keep them. We’ve all been there. It’s a little sad. Shit, it’s really sad. It’s the color blue. It makes you want to go and sit on your ex-boyfriend’s porch until he realizes you really were supposed to be together and the music swells and everything feels right again as you French kiss. It makes you question every break up you’ve ever had. It makes you realize you probably did have to let them go and move on and that yeah, everything turns out the way it should (what other choice is there?)

Rashida Jones is simply the leading lady. Having been deemed by Hollywood as supporting lady material, Jones went out, wrote a script and cast herself as the star. This made my like of her turn into all out girl-love. She’s my kind of woman. Just like Kirsten Wig’s big breakout in Bridesmaids, Jones shows us she’s more than just second fiddle to Pam from The Office. She’s truly the heart and soul of this film.

So go! See it! I met the director and he was really hot and smart and a bit dark and sort of edgy and pulled off a gray beanie, gray peacoat, and gray pants while looking like a ray of hot sunshine. Et voila.

p.s. If you’re going through a divorce or you are not over your divorce, do not go see this unless you like being that guy huddled in a corner…sobbing.

It's been awhile

2012-02-03T11:34:00.003-07:00

It's been a few years since I used this blog, since this blog was public, and since I actually had readers. I'm hoping to change that.

Do the Revenge

2010-02-25T07:12:00.005-07:00

For the most part, I work with people who speak English as a second language. It means that some times, we just don't get each other. Sometimes, we all just smile and nod. In a job where conversing clearly is imperative, it's been a bit of stress in learning how to articulate myself and my ideas in simple and complete ways.

That being said, there are still just some funny things that my dear Portuguese co-workers say that catch me off guard EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I work with a Portuguese couple. We spend a lot of time together. If we are at a restaurant and the grown man (40 years old) has to excuse himself, he says, "Excuse me, D'Arcy, I have to go pee-pee." I react on my face EVERY TIME, no matter how many times this grown man says "pee-pee" or other versions of it, I just can't keep from almost laughing. Various ways he's used it:

"D'Arcy, Lana will be late, she's just going pee-pee."

"D'Arcy, where is the place to go pee-pee?"

"D'Arcy, I need to take little Tico (their dog) to pissing, please excuse me."

These are some of the nicest people in the entire world, and yet the words pee-pee and pissing just get thrown around all willy-nilly to a proper girl who NEVER says either. It's been an adjustment.

Great blogging material, yes?

Another thing that I love: When I come over to their flat, I am often greeted by their rather feisty, but tiny, dog. If the dog did a "pissing" or a "pee-pee" in the house (which happens quite often, I guess) then the woman, Lana, so dramatic as all Latinos should be, says, "You see, D'Arcy, he does the REVENGE!" She says it with so much drama and arm movements that I would think little Tico (pronouced, Teeko) is walking around with a kitchen knife ready to attack....all while smoking a cigar. His face DOES look like he has a mischievous mustache. Every time I come over, Tico has just "done the revenge!" Such a calculating little pup. Perhaps they just need to take him outside more. It's hard to think there is so much revenge in one little mammal.

I'm really sorry if you stopped by here for some awesome words of wisdom and all you got was this lousy blog post :)

Conditioned

2010-02-19T03:50:00.005-07:00

(Cute little Mongolian kids who spent the day with me being happy and taking photos)

Are we conditioned from a young age to be unhappy?

Do we choose to be sad, depressed, and more miserable than we should because we've been brought up to realize that we get something from it? From a young age, a child can sense that when she is unhappy, everybody is sympathetic towards her, and she gains sympathy. Everybody tries to be loving towards her, and she gains love. And when she is unhappy, everybody is attentive towards her and she gains attention. And attention works like food for the ego.

If everybody is looking at you, then do you become important?

When a child is well and perfect and happy, are people less attentive towards this child? It seems to me, as I've been observing behaviors lately that this is entirely true, and thus people become conditioned to choose to be a bit more sad, sick, miserable, and have more problems...because when you have problems, then people pay attention to you.

On the other hand, whenever you are happy and joyful, when you feel estatic and blissful...does it seem like you are met with jealousy? Do people look down upon you or do you feel negativity coming from those who aren't happy?

If you are miserable, no one will really think you are mad. If you are dancing and ecstatic and happy and singing...EVERYONE will think you are mad.

I think that Society has a hard time accepting ecstasy. Ecstasy is the greatest revolution you can be apart of. If people become ecstatic, the whole society will have to change because our society tends to be based more on misery. If people are blissful you cannot lead them to war. Someone who is blissful will just laugh and say: This is nonsense! If people are blissful, you cannot make them obsessed with money. This too, becomes nonsense!

Misery seems to be downhill; ecstasy seems to be uphill. It looks more difficult to reach. But it is not so. It's quite the opposite. Ecstasy is downhill, misery is uphill. Misery is a hard thing to achieve, yet most people have done it. It's antinature. No one WANTS to be miserable, yet everyone has been at some point or other.

So, feel your anger. Then move on. Feel your sorrow. Then move on. Be alert. Be aware. And start choosing to be happy and blissful. Because if you keep choosing misery in your life, then somehow or other, you feel that it is serving you in some way.

**(these are notes to myself...and what I've spent a good portion of my day thinking about)

A Mexican in Switzerland

2010-01-21T14:46:00.008-07:00

Let's face facts. If life were fair, I would have been Mexican. If I were Mexican my life would have many aspects that it now lacks. If I were Mexican, I would know what it's like to be TAN! I wouldn't have to put SPF 10,000 on every time I go out under the sun. I wouldn't always have these super red cheeks. I could have long-brown-soft-thick-straight hair. People would actually be able to see my eyebrows without me having to paint them on (though, in regards to leg hair, it's been pretty nice to be this fair!). I'd speak Spanish fluently. My hips might be more appreciated. I'd probably be just a little shorter, which would be cool.....and maybe, just maybe I'd finally have that penchant for latin dancing that is missing in my blood. Plus, I could roll my Rs like Charro.

But why I REALLY think I should have been Mexican is because tortillas are what I dream about at night (even more regularly than Hugh Jackman). A good enchilada (and even a bad one) wins my heart over any boy. Rice and Beans are like Air and Water to me. I would eat this kind of food all day, every day, and then some. I would bathe in Sour Cream if I could. I would shower in Salsa. I would wash with Guacamole (these are not appetizing metaphors I'm using, so I'm gonna stop!)

PITY ALERT!!!

THERE IS NO MEXICAN FOOD IN SWITZERLAND. I have found ONE section of ONE store in ONE tiny town that has some SALSA. It's called, as you can see from the photo, "Chunky Salsa Dip"....um, did anyone ever think that salsa could sound unappealing? Yeah, me either...but there you have it. And let me tell you, it is NOT good. I don't know what it is made of exactly, just some stewed tomatoes or something? It's a tragedy really. AND IT COST ME 6 DOLLARS FOR A SMALL SMALL POT. If this country didn't have chocolate croissants I'd....And yeah, I have a feeling that my semi-annual trips home will be spend sleeping in the Cafe Rio parking lot....

The Yellow Orphan

2010-01-15T15:28:00.002-07:00

Dear Readers...I've finally felt right about it. I've been silent to the outside world a lot...feeling safe in my little private blog, but it's time to take a few things global again...so many of my posts will be at my new blog address. Again, as a reminder, please don't put my real name or too many details about my life in the comment section as I'm keeping this one more about stories of humanity and my reflections.

I'll still put up my secret confessions right here on Abstraction...it's too hard to let her go.

But enjoy this story when you have the chance!!

The Yellow Orphan

Thanks Love...

2010-01-13T14:19:00.005-07:00

Maybe I'm too much of a romantic. Right after I wrote my last post I received this little email from a cool website that sends you a happy thought once a day. It kind of made me rethink the last paragraph. Yeah, I've loved. It's true. Can't call it anything else in my mind. And I'm happier and maybe slightly wiser because of it.

Here's what it said...and I know it sounds funny, but it was nice to hear:

Thanks, D'Arcy, for every single time you ever fell in love.

Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.

It changed everything.

Perhaps Love...

2010-01-09T06:39:00.005-07:00

How do you know when you love romantically? Can you describe it? I'm curious as to your definition. Many songs describe it. Many poets too. If you asked fifty people, they'd all say something different. One person can feel it, another feels it differently. How do you know when you're in love?

Perhaps love is like a resting place, A shelter from the storm
Perhaps love is like a window, Perhaps an open door
Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know

These pictures are of two beautifully hand-carved silver scenes I bought in Salzburg this summer. I bought two. They each have a man and a woman working together. I imagined each couple in love and I planned, this past Christmas, to give one of them to my then Boyfriend...and I would keep one. And my sweet visions saw to a day in the future where they would hang on our joint Christmas tree in a home we created together. They would remind us that love takes work and kindness and togetherness and all those good things you know it takes to keep it growing. You have to plant it. You have to prune it. Just like these tiny couples that stand no taller than three inches.

Seems so super romantic of me, doesn't it? I have both of them still...though almost, almost I gave one to him, even when I knew we'd never share a tree.

I've hung them up above my desk here in Switzerland. They make me happy. But, honestly, they don't make me want marriage or a relationship of any kind.

I have such a different idea for my life than I did this past summer. The truth is, I'm glad I'm not married. I'm glad I'm not tied to anyone or anyplace. The truth is, if I had married any of my past boyfriends, I'd not be here. I'd not be now. I'd not have the amazing conversation or drive up the mountain that I had last night. I'd not be planning my plans and growing my growth.

Sure, I could be other places and I could be happy. I'm just sort of a happy person. But for now, right now, I'm really, really grateful that all turned out as it did. That's not to slight my past "loves". It's not to say they were lacking in any way for me. It's just to say that, maybe, just maybe, those past loves weren't REALLY love. Because I have a feeling that real love tends to stick a bit longer. Again, I could be wrong. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not quite so sure if I know what romantic love is (I got the family and friend part down), at least for me. I've also come to the conclusion that I won't toss that word around lightly to romantic partners either. Next time I say it, well, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be to the one that sticks.

Pretty Woman

2010-01-02T08:44:00.007-07:00

You know that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes shopping on Rodeo Drive in her hooker outfit? She gets looks of disdain. She doesn't belong. It's pretty damn obvious. Yeah, I kind of feel like that when I go into my town. Not that I dress like a prostitute...more like a Gap ad. But, Gap, in a world that's taken straight out of Vogue magazine advertisements, is pretty close to slumville. Sometimes, I admit...when I'm walking down the streets of my village--I REALLY want a Prada bag. I actually recognize, now, the difference between Prada and Dior and Versace. It's true. I play the label game as I take my mountain walks...because believe it or not...people hike in Chanel here. HOWEVER, the other part of me swears I'll NEVER cave and give into something as silly as labels...even when I can afford it.

Here are a few things I think as I walk down the streets.

1. The dogs wear more expensive clothing than I do.

2. I'm the only one not in a fur coat and hat (even among the men)

3. I do not have a pair of Prada sunglasses

4. I now recognize all the Hermes and Burberry scarf designs for the new season

5. I don't have anything Louis Vitton

6. I don't look bored with life.

7. I weigh more than 90 pounds.

8. I have all of my original face.

The first few weeks, I went around thinking lofty thoughts of how much more grounded I was in life than the people of Crans-Montana. I'd say to myself, "You don't NEED labels to know you are of worth" and a thousand other things that could be cross-stitched on pillows around the world. Then, I calmed down a bit. I realized, that in my world, it's totally acceptable to shop at the Gap (as long as they really did close down that child sweat shop in India). It's fine. It fits my budget and no other middle class person would even bat an eye at shopping at the Gap. I had to face facts. This village is made up of old money. Very old money. For a woman to have a Prada bag that cost more than I make in a month is pretty much an equivalent of me buying a belt at the Gap. For some reason, that's helped me to stop feeling high and mighty. However, it hasn't helped the way they still look down their noses at the Old Navy coat I wear around. Boo.

Bonne Année

2010-01-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

I had the most incredible New Year's Eve of my life. How did that happen? It was my first New Year's away from home since my mission. I was surrounded by people I've only known for about six months, I didn't have a lover to kiss at midnight....so just how was it so amazingly fantastic?

Perhaps it's this delightful feeling of hope and happiness. I've just embraced them on levels I've never reached before. I think the last few months in Utah I felt so confused and stagnant because I knew my life there was going to end in December, but I wasn't sure how everyone was going to fit into the picture. Do I make new friends? Do I try to date? Do I do this or this or do I just wait until my new life? I've been in limbo since my birthday when I decided to move here. Now that that is over, now that I'm here and present and aware of each day's choices and options...there's been a smile on my face that I just can't wipe away if I wanted to.

The company has been pretty magical too. Over a beautiful dinner of salmon pâté (see how I'm getting down the accents!), foie gras, pink champagne, beautiful salads and plump almonds....I sat with three couples who have somehow figured it out. They've somehow figured out objectivity, unconditional love, the balance of selflessness and selfishness needed....they told us all their stories of meeting and living and working through and getting to these places of amazingness. It warmed my heart and brimmed my eyes with tears (I'm such a softy lately!).

The past couple of months I've been wondering if I'm any good at those man/woman relationships because none of mine seem to stick. I've been contemplating a lot if I really even want them to. Part of me, honestly, doesn't...at least not in hind sight...at least not if it meant me not being where I am right now. Getting out of the pressure of Utah has helped. Even though I haven't been active in the LDS church, I still have a lot of brain wiring about love and marriage from a long time back. I'm starting to reconsider. I'm starting to wonder if I really even want marriage as I see this amazing career looming ahead of me. Or maybe I just need to take a break until I'm 35 and look into it again. I've decided, in the long run, not to worry about it. It sounds weird, but it's true. Somehow I work daily on letting all that go. It really is too much of an obsession/moneymaking market for girls across the world. The soulmate, the perfect wedding, the baby showers....all things I was told to want since birth...all things I've been looking at with different eyes. I'm likin' what these eyes are seeing.

And I'm LOVING the possibilities of 2010. An incredible year of working and writing and loving and learning and LIVING!

And it all started in a sweet little Swiss village--celebrating with thousands of people on a magical mountain looking down into an exploding valley of fire.

Let's Keep it Real

2009-12-30T09:05:00.007-07:00

(I ended up buying this one, so if any of my German speaking friends KNOW this is not good, please let me know in the next three hours. Danke)

It's interesting to move to a new place and know it's going to be for awhile. I feel that traveling is one of my talents and I've a pretty good knack for it. I get how to direct a cab or train system or hotel front desk in just about every language, and sign language too. I get how to maneuver the airports of the world, get money changed, find my sites to see and order from a variety of menus (though Mongolia's "Flesh Flied Liver" and "fermented mare's milk" will always take the cake as far as dished that have been offered).

And yet today, I've been a bit frazzled. Why?

Laundry detergent.

Yes, laundry detergent got the best of me. In Europe, when you don't have dryers and you wash things nightly in small little washers, you have a THOUSAND choices for laundry detergent. You have small ones for wool and small ones for cotton, ones for bright white and one for colors and all of them come in sizes that are similar to my dishwashing detergent. And they all cost about 15 dollars each.

And even though I'm in the "French" side of Switzerland, EVERY thing was written in German. And my German is Nicht Zer Gut-Words like:
Verantwortung
Mendelmilch
Aktiv-Fleckloser
Vertraglicher
Bei empfindicher oder vorgeschadgter....were lighting up the aisle and a painful part of my brain. I have few clothes here and it would be awful to accidently bleach them all.

But, I did figure out my dishwasher today, so tonight, when I do my first load of laundry, I have faith in me.

Is it good for a pretty smart girl to feel absolutely ridiculous and lost when it comes to doing her laundry once in a while? And let's not forget that I couldn't understand HALF of what the check out lady said to me today, I just smiled and nodded....it's a good survival tactic.

Yeah, let's keep it real here folks.

Packer's Remorse!

2009-12-29T08:47:00.003-07:00

The Friday morning that I departed America was full of frenzy. I was finishing up some paintings, packing, trying to shower and remember to put on matching socks....that kind of morning. I had stayed up late the night before playing Rock Band with April & Co. and that whole week had been full of paintings and goodbyes and good food and good fun and everything else you can imagine besides packing.

So, I packed four large suitcases (which cost me an extra $600 dollars on the airplane just FYI), but as was feared, each of them were overweight (why are we SO biased! GRRRR!) I had my sweet mom help me weigh them as I had to remove about 20 pounds per bag. There went my jar of crunchy Jif peanut butter and the good toilet paper that you just can't find here. Out went my books and for some reason my journal AND my Nikon got thrown out too...I was in a frenzy and didn't know what I was doing!!!! My yoga mat was tossed out and my picture frame that housed the one family photo I was going to bring. I kept telling myself I could get it all in June. And yet, somehow I kept my Dorothy Parker short stories...because even I have limits. I didn't pack a blow dryer or curling iron, I didn't pack excess shoes or pants...although SEVEN hats made it into the bags...seriously, was I delirious? Oh yes, I was!

So, today, I finally got a break to go down into the "city" of Sierre, Switzerland to do some shopping. I'll tell you one thing. The Swiss people are FREAKING CRAZY! Who can live here? Who can afford it! After all my years of European travel I was going to buy a hairdryer of my own...it was $90 dollars!!! I was going to get a yoga mat, most of them were about $80 and the cheapest one I found was $40 dollars! Agh! I tried to find a simple white frame to house my family photo and when I found one I had no idea that it would cost $25 dollars! I mean, I already have to pay a preposterous amount of money on food here..but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to buy ONE thing that I wanted. I just couldn't! I think they are about half the price in Paris and since I get to go there in a few weeks, I thought I'd just wait for a bit. I think I might also buy pasta and tuna fish there too as it's ridiculously expensive here. And even though the Swiss Francs feel like play money, I was always too thrifty in monopoly for my own good! Curse you BOARDWALK!

This wasn't exactly the weight loss plan I was going for, but I think it's going to work anyway. And simplifying my life was just made a lot easier. Now, if only I could have packed my other glove, the matches to my socks, and that Zen Buddhism book I was planning on reading.

Things that Switzerland apparently doesn't have (so if you'd like to bring them when you visit me):

Apple Cider Vinegar
Maple Syrup and Pancake Mix (where you just add water on a lazy Sunday morning!)
Peanut or Almond Butter
Prune Juice
Pesto
Oatmeal
Men over six feet tall and under 40 who just want to kiss in a cafe over hot chocolate....

I'd prefer that last one the most. Cause baby, it's cold here! (And holy cannoli, I think I just revealed the fact that I eat like an 80 year old spinster! Yes, I like prune juice..ok!)

love, loved, loving

2009-12-22T14:41:00.001-07:00

Love.

Love has come into my life in the most amazing colors and dimensions this year. My capacity to embrace and give love has deepened in ways that only poets might ever be able to understand. Last week, during a painful conversation I wanted to have, I was met with resistance. Why can't we just keep everything pleasant? the other person's eyes were asking me. I realized in that moment that few people decide to get really messy with life when given the chance. It's easier, somehow, to pretend to be ok, isn't it? So many aspects of life embrace the mediocre pleasantries. I'm proud to say that so many things along my path the past two years have taught me to act and be authenticly myself. I like when people live life in Real with me and don't Pretend. Sounds like a funny way to begin a year end letter, I know, but it's been on my mind.

This year I've been more open to the possibilities of people and the potential of the universe than I have ever before. I think a lot of that has to do with me finally getting fully comfortable with who I am. I've given up a lot of labels. I've given up a lot of other's expectations of me that seemed centered in a realm that never quite fit for me. I've followed my bliss and that has made me blissfully happy.

Something I learned from Lucille Clifton a long time ago is the beauty of stream of consciousness, so here it goes...my life this year in simple images. In January, I was knocked off my feet by an orange New York love. It was a whirlwind of three months that still have me whirling and twirling and dancing the tango with what I learned to this very evening. To that person I say thank you. You were real. In April, I was asked to be a permanent contributor at the Exponent II blog. Here, real thoughts and real issues are talked about with women who have been more open and real with me than most people dare to be. This experience with exploring Mormonism without the confines of labels and expectations have grounded me in a spiritual way that I had been lacking for a long time. Check it out: http://the-exponent.com/. In June, I played Julius Caesar as my group of students pretended to assassinate me in the Roman forum...a few days later, in a random train line in Rome, I met the woman who would offer me a job in Switzerland. After a quiet afternoon alone by Yoko Ono's wishing tree in Venice, I took a night train to Salzburg. I climbed up a rainy cobblestone street to the abbey of Maria Von Trapp and sang a little on the way back down. It was a perfect moment. In August I took long walks along the Seine and held conversations with myself in French. The leaves of the September trees rustled at my feet as I walked through Greenwich village on my birthday and ate a cupcake from Magnolia Bakery. It was on this little visit to New York that I decided to head back to Europe for good. In October, tragedy struck my family in a way I still can't quite fathom. It made most of November a pretty numb time. In December, I spent the week in New York again seeing plays, running into Jude Law on the street, and planning April's proposal in front of the Rockefeller tree. I flew home and finished directing a high school Bollywood version of Twelfth Night. One week later, I packed up a few belongings to start a new life.

I'm safely settled in my new home in Europe. Crans-Montana is a village in the top of the Alps. I eat quiche and take long walks. I kick my feet through the powdered snow and dip my cheese in mustard. I hang my clothes to dry and I drink tea most days around 4 o'clock. I write and research and love and live and laugh and feel more fulfilled in my life than I have ever before. I've been comparing my dreams to the life cycle of the egg. In America, all my eggs had hatched and grew and found their full purpose...but--here. now. this second. new dreams that are bigger and better, dreams that stand on the backs of my dreams that came before, dreams that have started to crystalize into shining realities, have formed and they look pretty. No room for pretend.

These dreams stem from love. The love that I have for my family and friends and students and lovers and strangers. These dreams stem from love. The love that my family and friends and students and lovers and strangers have for me. It's the most incredible gift in the world. It's the spirit of Christmas and Buddha and Yemaya and Jesus and every God and Goddess who have ever graced the consciousness of humanity. It's the most incredible talent to have...better than playing the violin or painting or running marathons. It's the most powerful force on earth (more powerful than a Broadway musical!). It's the most important thing to me.

And I'm sending it all your way. Real Love. Big Time Love.

Love,

D'Arcy

Last Night

2009-11-13T11:14:00.002-07:00

Last night I sold my perfectly lovely antique wrought iron old original one of a kind type of thing you search for for years but could never afford to ship to Europe bed.

It was really hard.

The End.

On Missing

2009-11-11T10:41:00.010-07:00

(the making of my Balinese Map)

Yesterday, I read through a lot of old posts on my blog that made me happy. Life lived and enjoyed and savored. Posts like this one or this one, and even this one.

They were fun to live.

Lately, let's face it, I've been a bit of a drag. But it's ok. I'm ok about it. I know when I watch random Improvisation Everywhere groups on YouTube that I am capable of laughing and that my sweet smile can still spread across this face of mine.

After my sister's life changed forever, I felt like it was all just too much emotion built up. So I packed it away tight. Now, I'm slowly unloading it and trying to umwrap the emotions, feel them, and move on. This is different. Because when you actually let yourself feel things, then some nights, you just might be mad for no apparent reason. You're just mad. And you don't want to be made happy. You've subscribed to the belief that happiness might be overrated. You know it's short lived, but it's how you feel in the now.

So, unpacking my emotions while packing up my belongings has made for an interesting few weeks. I've been giving away clothes and movies and lamps and art and transient things that defined my life here. Lots of emotions and letting of goes. Lately, I've been feeling one more than all the rest.

I miss.

When I say this. People immediately say "you miss what?"

There has to be a direct object after that verb--at least, that's how we've always seen it, right?

But there isn't. It's a whole world of missing.

I miss an old blanket I had in college, I miss this shirt I gave to DI a few years ago, I miss the smell of the baguettes made below my little apartment in Paris. I miss kissing that one person I was REALLY compatable with kissing. It just hasn't been the same since I stopped kissing him and I'm worried it never will be the same again. How can it when it's NOT our exact lips meeting? I miss going shopping with April at Costco...where we PROMISE ourselves that we'll just get healthy food and then we are taken in by the cheesy ravioli and pesto sauce and we buy it and indulge. I miss April a lot. Her new life is cool. But I miss the life we shared. I miss the first time I heard Cohen sing Hallelujah on his guitar. I miss when I was a little girl and I didn't like wearing nightgowns, I liked wearing my dad's shirts. I'd go into his closet and pull out a shirt that smelled like my daddy and put it on and curl up in it. It made me feel safe. I miss feeling safe. I miss my sister feeling safe. I miss my family as it used to be. I miss the person that I believed my brother in law was. I miss the time when my oldest niece would hug me for a long time, and when she thought I was the most amazing person in the world. I miss.

I just miss.

And it's not a bad thing.

And I'll move on to this new world. And I'll miss the sweetest house I've ever lived in and I'll miss all my friends and those late night walks around my town, and the way my streets look covered in leaves. I'll miss the rustling and smell of contentment.

And I'll keep on missing.

And that's ok. Because I think the more things you have to miss in life is simply reflecting back to you all of the chances that you have taken.

Remember that Time

2009-11-10T16:31:00.005-07:00

Hey remember that time when I gathered all the frost on the car in Florida and made one little snowball? It melted quickly and I had short hair then.

Remember that time when you ran through three red lights to get me home on time for my surprise party, and I gave you a lecture about road rage while I was unlocking the door?

Hey remember when you brought me fresh raspberries on our very first date and you told me the "right" way to let the flavor burst in my mouth.

Remember when you carried your Dolce & Gabanna bag in the Swiss Alps as we hiked?

Hey remember that time when I wrote my journal all in rhyme because I thought it was a dying art? I still do. No one rhymes anymore...

Remember that time when the only place I could find to be alone in New York City was on my small white heartless bathroom floor, and I curled up and had a good cry?

Hey remember that time when that man knocked on the window of the Parisian restaurant and got our attention? We tried to pretend not to notice.

Remember that time I said "I love you" on your broken futon?

Hey remember that when I would only read Austen?
Remember that time when I would only read trashy fashion magazines?

Remember that time when believing in God came easy for me?

Remember when I spoke to the Indonesian students in their own language and it freaked them out?

Remember when she was born?

Remember that time when I lived in the sweetest little Bungalow in Sugarhouse?

Yeah?

Me too.

Latest Post on Exponent II

2009-11-10T16:18:00.001-07:00

Hey all, chime in on the discussion if you'd like:

How Should We Promote Abstinence

Photo Flashback

2009-10-14T16:30:00.004-06:00

This guy sold us cotton candy in Argentina on our birthdays. He was cool.

The Ironies of Love

2009-09-26T10:49:00.006-06:00

I write to process things. I write when the thoughts in my brain swirl around too much and need a release. I write because maybe, just like many people have told me, I simply think too much. I write. Sometimes my thoughts simply compose themselves in the form of stories. I rearrange them just so.

As many of you know, my oldest half-sister, Heather, was shot by her husband on Thursday night.

All day yesterday the thoughts wouldn't stop. All day as I sat in the ICU waiting room thinking of my sister and how all our lives how now been changed forever, it was just me and just my thoughts. I saw things in images and I tried to compose a logical story. But logic just can't exist in such an irrational world can it?

I saw my sister with a swollen face, with her entire body covered with bandages, with the only recognizable feature being her soft, long brown hair spread over the pillow in a fashion that was poetically beautiful, graceful and fragile. That first moment seeing her stopped my heart. How could that be someone I know? How could that be someone I love?

I sat in the ICU hallway because I didn't want to hear the television in the waiting room, clutching my bag with too tight fingers and an old lady in a wheelchair next to me. She looked sad and her body was frail and small and she was an age that I don't even know if I want to live to. To every hospital worker that walked by she screamed at the top of her lungs "Excuse me! You have my husband! I want my husband!" She couldn't go beyond the double doors because she was sick. They wouldn't let her. Her words just kept echoing in my mind. They had her husband, the ICU had her husband and they had my sister and they were calling the shots and they had other people in there. They had them.

My thoughts turned to my brother in law. They turned to the big hug he gave me before I left on my mission and how he told me he was proud. They turned to his height and strength and his smile and how he always made the perfect hamburgers at the family barbeques. They thought of how he held each of their three children with love and tenderness in the hospital after they were born. They thought of the day he married Heather. The day he stood by the priest and watched her walk towards him. Heather, in that white dress, married in a mountain grove of turning leaves in a beautiful Autumn flow of colors much like there are now.

My thoughts tried to put this story together, tried to compose how someone went through all of that and ended up in the driveway. She saying that she was leaving him. Him pulling out a gun and saying she would die first. Little Megan watching. Him shooting her four times, in the face, in each arm, in the knee. My brain can't make that into part of their story. They had a beautiful home, always good with money and always successful. They were always happy. They were to be envied, so how did this happen?

How can anyone do this to someone else? Any two strangers, how could they do this. What is humanity? Is the definition of that word lacking some malicious part that we pretend isn't there?

But how could two people who have shared so much have such a different story going on underneath the surface than the one my brain had been composing for them?

Yesterday, in that waiting room, I had a thought I haven't really ever entertained.

"I don't know if I believe in God anymore."

I don't know if God is apart of my story anymore.

At least not this weekend.

After an afternoon in the ICU I took a break. Then we went back in the evening.

We were in the waiting room. My dad and my mom were holding hands and leaning close together. My sister and her husband had their arms around each other and he was comforting her. My other sister had her boyfriend (almost fiance) and he was slowly rubbing her back and neck and being there. And my youngest sister had her fiance there, going to buy her some coffee, asking what he could do. And for just a few moments I cried selfishly. It was nice not to have anyone asking my why I was crying, we had all been crying. But for the first time that day I cried because I felt really, really alone. I cried because I didn't have that person to depend on. I cried because as we all sat quietly in the waiting room I just sat there and held my purse in my lap. I watched all my sweet sisters with the loves of their lives and I felt nothing but skeptical. I felt nothing but the fact that I was alone and maybe life is better when you don't depend on that one other person. Around me, in that waiting room, there was so much love. And yet, why was my sister bleeding and wounded behind those doors as a result of some twisted version of love? How could I be in the presence of such sweet and tender emotions as these four beautiful couples were showing last night? All the while sitting and waiting to hear if Heather would live because of what own husband had done to her. How is such a dichotomy of the same emotion even possible?

Last night the ironies of love were simply too much for me to handle.

32 Possibilities

2009-09-24T15:51:00.000-06:00

I am 32.

I am full of possibility.

Whenever my life is presented with more options than I could have ever imagined, I feel almost like crying with a combination of gratitude for the paths presented to me and then also for the courage to muster what I know the new journey will require of me.

I decided to move to Switzerland and accept the job offer.

I'll be moving the day after Christmas.

I might just be there forever. I don't know. It's a pretty incredible job. I feel very blessed. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to everyone, but it's happened to me and I'm not taking it lightly.

And yet, as I accepted it on the phone in the JFK airport on Sunday, my immediate reaction was to cry. I got on the plane with my ex-boyfriend and held the tears back until I walked up to my little house in Salt Lake City. I got in the door, shut it behind me and burst into tears.

I burst into tears with joy and pain and sorrow and anticipation.

Nine months ago I met someone that I really thought I was going to have in my life for a long time. Things were happy and healthy and I loved being with him. The whole relationship had a different feel than the past ones I have been in. I don't write much about my love life or my dating life because my blog has always been open. Now that it's private and read only by my sweet and caring friends all over the globe, I feel I can process these deep issues a bit more. (And I think the next months will be full of various reflections from my past four relationships.) In fact, I feel like I must process them and get to a good place before I go to Switzerland.

My life continues to take these different turns. I thought I'd be planning a wedding sometime in the next year and now I'm planning on how to get my life into a few suitcases and boxes. I thought I was ready to embark on having kids and starting that family and instead I'm off to a remote village in the Alps where I just won't be dating a lot. I thought I could buy a house and create a home and start a new phase of my life that I feel so ready for, and now I'm off to a new direction not planned, maybe not ready for, and full of new challenges.

But yeah, I guess that's just what we call courage, eh?

Until Further Notice

2009-08-11T23:23:00.003-06:00

So, this blog will be closed until further notice. I've had such a summer, such a year. I've put myself out there a lot. I've defended my beliefs. I've argued and battled. I've thought deep thoughts and I've rallied the troops. I've had the spark of a firecracker for a long time....and I've burned a few people.

And now, I'm just ready to bake beautiful meals for my close friends. I'm ready to watch the sunset without worrying about life. I'm ready to simplify my time and my efforts. I'm ready to take all those parts of me that I have made public for so long and just put them back inside of me and rearrange them a bit until I feel confident again in the person that I am and the person that I'm becoming.

That doesn't make any sense, I know, and it's not supposed to because all these summer stories and all these big events and all my deep thoughts are actually just for me right now and I'm kinda liking it that way.

Sending out loads of love into that big universe which holds the power of each of you.

D'Arcy

Privatizing This Blog!

2009-08-02T08:16:00.004-06:00

Hi Readers! I know many of you have wondered why I privatized my blog and it has to do with trying to remain anonymous in my new job, it's really important as I work with patients that they don't know too much about my real life. And since I wasn't very smart about choosing a blog name (hello, the address is my very own name!) when I started, I think that I am going to have to start over...or at least continue on a different blog, one in which my name won't be used at all. I would like to invite all of you who read this blog regularly to send me an email and I will personally email you the address of my very new, very chic and very witty new blog where tales of Europe's adventures and more will be published!

Thanks for reading this blog the past few years. It will still be here, but it will be private from now on! I will post things more of a private nature on this blog and open up a new one for funny stories and to use with other things!

Thanks so much!

Soak up with My Eyes

2009-07-05T09:16:00.000-06:00

Absolutely love this song. Love her voice. Love the uke. Love the message. Love love it.

My Favorite Rothko

2009-07-04T09:00:00.001-06:00

Everyone needs a favorite Rothko. This one happens to be mine. If you have time, take a look at this little museum, it's pretty amazing.

Show Them The World!!

2009-07-03T08:20:00.013-06:00

PARIS

Taking a group of young kids who have NEVER left the country and showing them Europe for their first time was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life!! This was an amazing group. Seriously, other teachers were running into problems and issues with their kids and mine were all complete angels (as far as I know) and more than that, they were completely fun to hang out with. They had me laughing and on the go for the entire trip!!
Here they are in the Louvre. They got my own special tour that I used to give to visitors when I lived there so long ago! It was so much fun to run amuck through this ancient palace with them!!

Always camera ready, here are some of the kids in the group, I had 15 total!
We were on a boat tour of Paris just in time to see the Eiffel Tower light up. It's hard to believe that it is right outside my window as I type this. Life is TOO good to me!

We all put in such LONG days and averaged about 10 miles a day of walking (according to my high tech pedometer!) As soon as we got into the bus each night to go back to our hotel rooms the kids just zonked out!

MILAN
Within five minutes of being in Italy I had a gelato in my hand...how life is supposed to be. Once the kids saw that it was totally ok to eat gelato five or six times a day, they were totally on board!!
Outside the beautiful and famous Scala Opera house there was a huge demonstration for the Arts. In Italy, like America, many art programs are being cut from school curriculum and these ballerinas and opera singers were showing the beauty of their craft.
This couple was amazing, doing a whole ballet for us!
Of course the hot Italian police were nearby to stop any madness that might happen. The Italians are a people known for their passion!!
Lunch time! We filled an entire sidewalk cafe!

FLORENCE
The beautiful duomo, it's been about 11 years since I climbed this tower with Holly long ago!
My favorite statue in Italy (and probably the world)
When the girls and I got tired we sat on the steps and then rated Italian men. Is was the best pasttime EVER!! We found a 9.5, if he had been a few inches taller I would have given him a ten, but you can't have it all. Although, I must say that Italian men DO know how to dress!

PISA
It really leans, in case you were wondering.

TUSCANY
Doing her laundry on a sultry day.
I got three scoops of gelato here and it was THE best I have EVER had, they deserved their title!
I did spend a pretty penny on one souvenir for me, I usually get one nice one per trip. I got a set of three handmade vases from this little pottery shop tucked away in a high corner of the little Tuscan village. She is SO talented!

ROME
I've got Italian blood. I really do.
One of the best moments with my kids...reinacting the assassination of Julius Caesar with them on the very place that it actually happened. I taught each of these kids this play during their 10th grade year and how amazing to actually go and witness first hand the old ruins of the Roman Forum!! (I was Caesar, just about to get it!)
Eating gelato, yet again, on the Spanish Steps in Roma!

VENICE
The never ending arches of San Marco Square

And my final act in Italy? I put a wish on Yoko Ono's wishing tree in the gardens of Peggy Guggenheim. This was one of my favorite days in Europe. I would highly suggest visiting Peggy's collection!

More Than Alive

2009-06-07T12:05:00.001-06:00

No real video here, but listen to that voice! As I'm packing up on this rainy Sunday I just can't seem to get enough of Hayden...especially this song. Have a relaxing day everyone.

Photos

2009-06-07T12:04:00.002-06:00

Make sure to visit the photo blog for some great weddings and engagements!!

The Swedes, I belong.

2009-06-05T21:58:00.001-06:00

Now that school is over, I'll be doing some baking this weekend. This man has always been my inspiration, and some say that I DO look Swedish, and I'll be baking many of my goods in IKEA wares.

Antlers...need I say more?

2009-06-03T10:11:00.000-06:00

That's right, during our weekend in Jackson Hole, April and I ventured to the ANTLER RENDEZVOUS (does the word RENDEZVOUS hold no more beauty and charm!)

An Antler chandelier to light your finest dining adventures.

A nice antler lamp for the library, to read stories of hunting and espionage.

Want a lovely, romantic, candlelit dinner for two? Nothing says romance like a nice matching set of Antler candlesticks (and yes, I believe that stuffed raccoon IS holding a cracker jack box).

Want to cut your pizza with finesse? Any Antler cutlery will do!

Wine + Antlers = Decorating Bliss!!

Frame that family photo in the frame that keeps on giving.

Nothing says "Celebrate the Holidays Wyoming Style" like an Antler wreath.

No need to cut down greenery for a Christmas Tree. This Antler reusable tree is green enough!

Grand Tetons

2009-06-03T10:07:00.002-06:00

We went on a hike to the Tetons over Memorial Day. We hiked out long and hard. We got caught in the rain and showed our fear. But we persevered and four blisters later I have a really great memory with my very best friend. Love you sis!

Hard to Pigeonhole

2009-06-02T09:13:00.000-06:00

I don't think I've mentioned yet just how excited I am for the new Supreme Court nomination of Sonia Sotomayor!

So I'll say it now.

I'm excited.

And while most of the Republican party tends to have a "just say no" to EVERYTHING approach, it's gonna be hard to pigeonhold Ms. Sotomayor. The likes of Cheney and Limbaugh (shudder) will do their best to make her appear "too liberal," "too activist," or "intemperate" . And yet, to turn her into a villian is to take a huge risk. They could end up losing the women vote and the Hispanic vote.

And while she has sided with defendants, inmates, and environmentalists, she's also made several conservative stances throughout her career. Plus, she has an impeccable upward-through-education-and-hard-work pedigree: She grew up in public housing in the Bronx, the daughter of a factory worker, and got a law degree from Yale.

What's not to like?

Cheney and Limbaugh will find something. It's just the way the world works.

The "Taming" of the Shrew

2009-06-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

At the beginning of May my drama class put on the second production the school of ours has ever seen. Working at a Math, Science, and Engineering school means less attention to the arts....until I came along. Last semester was a modern version of Much Ado About Nothing set in a high school. This semester we did a 1940s/feminist version of The Taming of the Shrew.
I didn't have much money for costumes, but thanks to my awesome friend Eleanor (she has an etsy shop!) I got some awesome headbands and the rest of the costumes just kind of came together. I also taught myself the first things about stage make-up and bought the stuff to do the classy 1940s look with stage foundation (so different than what most people use on a regular basis) and lots of other cool tricks! I think it turned out pretty well.

The cast and crew of The Taming of the Shrew!! A Success!

The Flower Girl

2009-05-30T01:05:00.003-06:00

During the wedding I photographed last Saturday, this little Flower Girl stole the show!

Simply Stunning

2009-05-30T00:31:00.003-06:00

There were some stunning people at Karrie's wedding two weeks ago. Take a look.

Family Time

2009-05-29T10:00:00.000-06:00

I've been able to spend some quality time with this little one before I head off to Europe. We've made puppet shows, we've sang songs, we've frolicked in the park (with a few mishaps...oh the days when she will be completely potty trained). We've danced to Broadway songs, we've eaten fresh strawberries, and we've done make overs.

Although, she tends to chew on the headbands rather than leave them on her head. However, her manicure and pedicure were perfection!

I Know Where I'll Be This Fall

2009-05-27T11:12:00.011-06:00

I'll be in New York seeing A Steady Rain starring this guy

and this guy

so I can relive this moment

and have one more like it with Daniel Craig.

Cause I'm just lucky like that.

Anyone care to join me?

Details from Playbill

Two major Hollywood box-office draws will join forces in the fall for a new Broadway play.

The New York Post reports that Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) and Daniel Craig (James Bond) will co-star in Keith Huff's A Steady Rain.

No official announcement about the production has been made; however, should it come to pass the drama will likely be the hottest ticket of the fall season.

Barbara Broccoli, who was a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang producer, will produce the Broadway outing.

A Steady Rain tells of two seasoned cops whose lifelong friendship is severely tested when a seemingly routine domestic disturbance call results in the death of a young boy. When the horrific truth of the situation is revealed, one of the two must take the blame for the fatal mistake.

A Steady Rain would mark Craig's Broadway debut. His film credits include "Defiance," "Quantum of Solace," "Flashbacks of a Fool," "The Golden Compass," "The Invasion," "Casino Royale," "Infamous" and "Renaissance," among others.

Jackman, who was recently seen on screen in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," earned a Tony Award for his work in the Broadway musical The Boy From Oz. He is also known for his film roles in the "X-Men" trilogy, "Someone Like You," "Swordfish," "Kate and Leopold," "Van Helsing" and the recent "The Fountain" and "Happy Feet" (in voice). His stage credits also include Trevor Nunn's staging of Oklahoma! at Britian's National Theatre and award-winning work in productions of Sunset Boulevard and Beauty and the Beast in his homeland.

A Steady Rain played a six-week sold-out engagement at Chicago Dramatists in fall 2007. The cast and artistic team, headed by director Russ Tutterow, remained intact for the 2008 run at Chicago's Royal George Theater.

Playwright Keith Huff is the recipient of a Drama-Logue Award, the Cunningham Prize, the John Gassner Award, the Berrilla Kerr Award, and three Illinois Arts Council Playwriting Fellowships. He has developed plays at American Repertory Theater, The O'Neill Theatre Center National Playwrights Conference, Steppenwolf, New York Theatre Workshop, New York Stage and Film, and The Public Theater. His plays have been produced nationally and Off-Broadway.

A Moveable Feast

2009-05-17T14:17:00.004-06:00

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young (wo)man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, For Paris is a moveable feast." Ernest Hemingway

I've been working on relationships lately, namely: the one with myself. I planned this little summer getaway to Paris at a time when I really needed something to look forward to and plan about, and now the reality of it is almost upon me. I've got my house rented, I've got my summer dresses and my sandals bought, I'm finishing up the last weeks of the school year and I am so entirely happy. I can't wait to see what and who Paris will bring into my life. Each day is a powerful gift. Each moment, each thing I bring into my life is entirely of my (and your) own choosing. There is something so entirely free and delightsome in that fact.

So many people on so many paths to life. Last Sunday I went to the United Church of Christ with Alisa. It was a church with an awesome band (singing songs about the Long haired socialist Jew), a woman pastor, and a message that finally resonated with me. It's been a long time since I've attended a church where I didn't disagree with anything that was being said. The Pastor got up and gave us a message. Most Christians idealize the idea of being a sheep. Jesus is the shepherd. In the book of Matthew it talks about how Jesus needs to separate the sheep from the goats. The pastor got up and admitted that she herself is a goat. She was always going on unknown paths, not conforming to the crowd, not doing the things that maybe she was supposed to. The goats always seemed to have more spunk and spirit. They'd climb to the high cliffs and they'd forge their own paths. She also reminded all Christians that there truth isn't the only truth and that all of us on earth have different paths, but we're just trying to reach the same ends. One big beautiful tapestry of interwoven faith and beliefs.

I think my whole life I've been trying to be a sheep and I've been trying to let Jesus be my Shepherd.

The reality is, I'm a goat. Plain and simple.

Learn Anything!

2009-04-30T13:23:00.004-06:00

If you could research ANYTHING. What would you choose? My student have been getting a research paper (and extensive 8-15 page paper) together for the past two months. I let them choose ANYTHING (within reason and school appropriateness). I call it their Inquiry Report.

I get such a thrill looking through the topics to see what they chose. I think it gives us a good inside into the teenage brain. Also, I feel like I learn SO much about so many things when I read through them over the next week because they kids REALLY do their research. They make each topic fascinating!!

I love my job. Have I mentioned that before?

Here you go, (remember, we're a Math, Engineering and Science based school):

Gordon More Founder of Intel

Dedecahedron

The Evolution of Computers

Hayao Miyazaki: His Life and Works

Bob Marley and the Wailers (every year I always get a Bob Marley paper, never fails!)

The Power of Nuclear Reactions

Harry Potter Movies

Child Soldiers

The Silk Road

The Grimm Brothers

Electric Cars

The Bell Jar: A Woman's Story of Depression

Darfur

Archery in the Middle Ages

Albert Einstein (he's a regular too!)

Harrison Ford (he's a new one!)

The Works and Achievements of Ozzy Osbourne

CHEESE

Sushi

The Hulk Comics

Salem Witch Trials

Plastic Surgery

Cows (? Really, ANYTHING in the WORLD and I get a paper on Cows?)

Walt Disney

Mummies and How They Have Affected Our World

The Solar System

Tyra Banks (again, REALLY?)

Jim Jones: The Face of Evil

Terrifying Realities: the truth about drug trafficking

What would YOU like to know more about??

Karrie Ann

2009-04-29T20:09:00.003-06:00

I've known this beautiful woman since we were both four years old. We were in kindergarten together and I got into trouble more than once when I was caught braiding her hair instead of learning my letters. I was always planning and plotting and getting her in trouble (she was WAY too sweet for her own good) when we were little. We went through junior high and high school together. From studying, to passing notes in the hallway, to jogging miles every day to keep in shape, to photo shoots, to planning our weddings, to broken hearts, to losing loved ones and holding each other's hands during funerals, to wild sleepovers, to skipping school, to..to..to..to a million other moments. Her wedding day is here and I couldn't be happier for her. Isn't she beautiful?

You can see the entire shoot here.

To the Media

2009-04-29T11:13:00.002-06:00

From a letter written by a young girl in 3rd Period....

To the Media,

Why do you steal away my identity? Isn't it hard enough for me to figure out who I am without all of your messages? You say: You are fat, you need to be skinnier. You aren't pretty enough. You need to get a facial and wear make-up all the time to be pretty. You are ugly. You're not important because you aren't famous. You're only ONE person' you can't do or change anything. You need to be rich and buy a lot of new stuff to matter. You're only a girl, you can't do anything. You're too fragile and weak to do anything; you're just a dumb blonde. You're too smart. You're too dumb. You don't matter.

I want to know who I am, what my special talents are. I want to know what I can do to help others. I want to know more about myself, even random things. I want to know if I really like to be funny, or if I just do it to fit in. I want to know everything I can about myself. Why does everything, especially the media, make it so hard to do that.

Who am I?

So, what do YOU want to know about YOURSELF?

Elvis Perkins in Dearland

2009-04-26T15:59:00.004-06:00

Artist: Elvis Perkins

Album: Elvis Perkins in Dearland

Review: inyourspeakers!

Rating: 4 out of 5

I LOVE THIS SONG!--Shampoo

When you hear the name Elvis, it's hard to imagine a rustic sound with a melancholy grace that hints at old funeral dirges. It's hard to imagine a man who takes those funeral tunes and turns the music into an act of catharsis. It's hard to imagine a tangle of saxophones, the picking of a banjo, and a pump organ. But, it shouldn't be hard to imagine a musical king.

Many simply refer to Elvis Perkins as a singer-songwriter. Yet, he "loathe[s] the term singer-songwriter, because it reminds me of open-mic nights and coffee shops and lazy chord structures," he'd much rather be referred to as "a recording artist." Whatever you choose to call Elvis, one thing is clear, the man IS an artist.

Elvis Perkins put out his first album shortly after the death of his mother in 2001. His mother died in the terrorists attacks on September 11, flying on the fated American Airlines plane that crashed into the twin towers. Almost nine years early, his famous actor father had died from complications from AIDS. Elvis Perkins knows misery. What's more, he took that misery and spun it into the moving music that makes up Ash Wednesday, his first album. The name comes from the Catholic traditional day just before lent. Religiously, Ash Wednesday gets its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of the faithful. The priest takes the ash from a palm leaf and makes the sign of the cross on the forehead while reciting the words "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." That line is felt in almost all of Perkins' lyrics, he reminds us that life is short, life can be beautiful or hard or sad or soft or happy, but it's life and you have to live it.

Time has passed since his first album, and Elvis Perkins has a proper band behind his lyrics and has produced a solid, yet soft and eloquent eponymous album, Elvis Perkins in Dearland. The band includes multi-instrumentalists Brigham Brough (bass,vocals, saxophone), Wyndham Boylan-Garnett (organ, harmonium, trombone, guitar, vocals) and Nick Kinsey (drums, clarinet, vocals), Perkins, himself, wrote every track on the album.

Dearland, a magical place with lyrics begging the question "I don't let doomsday bother me; do you let it bother you?" The track begins with a slow trumpet echoing the feeling of slow night in the small latin quarter of New Orleans, but as soon as the drumming begins you are told that doomsday isn't just one event that happens to the world at once, but instead, it's a reoccurring event in the daily lives of those just working at living. Elvis really taps into the ghost of Buddy Holly on this track and you feel at once as if you are in the past and the present and maybe just a hit of the future, but don't let that bother you, he never does.

The record opens with a windy howl and a slowly picked guitar line before an organ joins in. This gives way to a swirl of keyboards and drums and there you have “Shampoo.” With a conglomeration of loud reggae and quiet poetry. The attention to detail in regards to the instrument selection and usage shows the maturing of Perkins' musical style. He sings so clearly, "Sweep up, little sweeper boy."

“Hey” begins with the feel of gospel music turning into a jaunty folk pop, and Perkins' modern voice turns into an old time croon. At one point, he sings with “If it was up to me I would leave it all up to you” and while you can't see him, you get the clear impression that he is smiling on this one.

Elvis Perkins has been compared to Leonard Cohen and on the tracks “Hours Last Stand” and “Send My Regards to Lonelyville” he echos that Cohen-esque ache. The songs are beautiful and heartbreaking, asking "how's forever been baby?" Is it a bitter question? Is it a forgiving question? Is it a question with or without an answer? Whatever it is, it illustrates the gifted lyrical style that is uniquely Elvis and uniquely gorgeous.

Ash Wednesday was one of those stark and sharp debut albums that took so much emotion to compose and produce that you were left wondering if this was all the soul that Perkins had, and he had just poured it all out in one shot. It's hard to imagine that he had anything left to offer or give. It was fueled by tragic events, and as the only person working on the album, it was a study in isolation. But then you listen to Elvis Perkins in Dearland and he still has soul, he still has poetry, he still has heart, he still has everything that made you fall in love with him in the first place, but this time, this time he reaches out his hand and invites you along for the ride. I have no doubt that this album will end up on many a critic’s “top ten” list for 2009.

The Exponent

2009-04-24T15:42:00.004-06:00

So many wonderful things are happening in my life on a day to day basis that it's hard to sometimes sit back and take it all in...but I'm trying!

One of the highlights has been an invitation to be a permanent contributor to the online forum of the Exponent II magazine.

I got SUCH a thrill today to see my name and photo on the site (take a look! just scroll down to the end of the list of contributors and you'll see me!). I'm part of something I love and believe in and that is valuable for women everywhere!

Here's a description:

We have begun this blog in an effort to support the Exponent IImagazine, which for years has provided a forum for Mormon women to openly and compassionately share their diverse experiences with each other. Begun in 1974 in the midst of the women’s movement, this independent Mormon women’s magazine continues to feature personal essays which often highlight women’s concerns.

As the Exponent II website states, “The purpose of Exponent II is to provide a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. This exchange allows us to better understand each other and shape the direction of our lives. Our common bond is our connection to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and our commitment to women. We publish Exponent II as a living history in celebration of the strength and diversity of women.”

Just as Exponent II frequently quoted and republished original articles from The Women’s Exponent, this blog will frequently feature seminal articles from the Exponent II. We hope that LDS women and Exponent II readers will share their insights and reactions so that we might empower each other through our diverse experiences.

Unexpected Thank You...

2009-04-21T19:23:00.002-06:00

I got a thank you email from a student I had over two years ago....and let me tell you, it was awesome. Have you thanked anyone today?

Ms. B! thank you so much. You are the most amazing teacher. I just want you to know that you are the reason I even know that I can act, and that I like it. So thank you, you pushed me to do a lot of things that I wasn't sure that I was good at, you gave me confidence and encouraged me to follow my dreams. If I was to name a teacher that has done the most for me in my life, I would definitely say you:) so, know that and thank you.

My Name

2009-04-20T20:30:00.003-06:00

One of the creative writing assignments involved the kids writing about their names. I told them to compare them to numbers, to sounds, to people, to their ethnicity, to colors, to moments, and finally, if they had to choose a NEW name for themselves, what would it be?

Here is one of my favorites thus far....

My name is Megan, my middle name is Alice, so even though Megan boars me; Alice is no fall back name. It appears my mother had a fondness for Meg. Meg of all words! Three letters, no meaning. Megan, sometimes spelled with an H.

It's plain, blah; it's a pale face with a few freckles. It's a girl who does her work and gets straight As. It's a girl on time, with a planner. A girl with no idea what fornication is, a girl oblivious that there is another sex besides her own. Megan isn't a name you can tease. It's too simple. I don't ever answer to Megan unless it's shouted at me 4 to 5 times.

If there is anyone worth my time they address me by Asian. It's my ethnicity, but it bubbles. So proud I am about being Asian, but it's not the reason I see myself as Asian. I got my name from Alex. He doesn't pay attention to much of anything, so by the 6th grade the only way to address me was "Asian".

It could be for the fact that I was the only Asian in the entire school for three years. I smile at that fact. I am easily recognized as Asian on my face, but then in the 8th grade I was known as Asian by my laugh, my smile, and my smart aleck remarks.

Asian: a small two year old with paint on her face and floor and walls and ceiling.

Asian: pig tails and glow sticks.

Asian: head banging and rock music.

Asian, a nonstop smile, a giggly tummy, and a guilty conscious when consuming gummy bears.

Asian: fierce with ninja stars and chopsticks.

Asian: artsy with dragons and calligraphy.

Asian: pointed out and up front and centered.

Megan is a name to be written on paper. Megan is meant for teachers and distant family. Megan is meant for formal documents. Asian is for my friends, it's for my art, it's for my music, it's for my tantrums, it's for my air, and it's for my fire.

Asian is me. Megan is just my Name.

Let me ask you, if you could rename YOURSELF, who would you be?

To...

2009-04-19T14:12:00.005-06:00

To the World, to Tomorrow, to Jesus, to My Cousin Who Committed Suicide, to Anticipation, to Taco Bell, to Anyone Who Will Listen, To So and So, To Whom it May Concern, To My Sisters, To Mango Street, To Poverty, To President Obama, To Missy Elliot, To Mom, To Whomever Cares about The Topic of Language, To Miss Benincosa and Hobos, To Those Listening, To Allison, To The Lord's Resistance Army, To The Reader of this Letter, To The Women of Society, To Future Generations, To Expectations, To My Conscience

The past month my classes have read The House on Mango Street.

They've breathed in the language and seen the power there, they've worked hard on creative writing, on seeing colors and shapes and life differently than before. They had a series of five writing pieces to complete. The final one is a letter. These are just a few of the things that the letters were addressed to. I'll be sharing much more of their creative work this week as my job has stopped feeling like a job. My work doesn't feel like work. My daily existence is spent participating in so many wonderful interactions with humanity. These kids teach me and I teach them. They learn and I learn. I laugh and they laugh. The past two days we just shared our creations and it was with gratitude in my heart that I am able to do what I get to do every single day.

Washing Feet

2009-04-12T09:42:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, I found myself talking about my mission. For those of you who have heard anything at all about my mission, you know it was fraught with crazy people, wild tales, hard work, and unbelievable events. I can entertain a whole room of people just with stories of cockroaches and animals wearing clothes and companions who cried and hid in closets and couldn't read and were deaf and are now in mental institutions....

But the part about my mission that I always forget to talk about, because it's just not as entertaining, is the part where I learned to serve and love and care for people. It's also the part where I learned the power of Jesus Christ. When I was on my mission my own personal goal was to metaphorically wash the feet of those around me. I bought a print of the painting above my first week out on my mission and kept a print of it in every apartment that I lived in as I moved to various parts of Florida.

I've had a few thoughts this morning about Jesus and Easter and religion and service. And most of them are echoed by a friend of mine, Maithri. He is a doctor living in Australia, but traveling to Swaziland to give aid and help where he can. He truly knows all about washing of the feet. This morning I want to share his words with you.

Throughout my life I have fought not only for tolerance, but for the celebration of all faiths and belief systems. To reap the harvest of our diverse understandings of love has always seemed to me to be part of the excitement, the joy of living.

My friends are muslim and hindu, jew and pagan, atheist and agnostic. I see no belief system as exalted. No way as the 'right' way. Merely a thousand painted ways of presenting the same universal truths.

Still the stories of Jesus' love, have always spoken deeply to my heart.

I fear that his ideals of unbounded, inclusive, universal love have been warped and tortured by small fearful minds trapped within cages of literalism and spiritual arrogance.

For me, at its core, his teachings were and always have been about deep humility and non judgement.

I see him washing the feet of the poor, the outcast, the reviled. I see him walking with leper and prostitute, thief and liar. And I think to myself "I wanna love like that."

Here in Swaziland, a day feels like a year. I ride the rollercoaster of deep despair and wild gratitude and celebration for the smallest act of kindness.

This morning before I headed out to see an old grandmother who was unable to leave her bed, I saw two Swazi women talking.

One said to the other "I know you are going through such deep sorrow CiCi (sister). I will take it all to God tonight and lay it under his cross."

Jesus is dying here in Swaziland and throughout the developing world. Covered in sores and kaposi sarcoma. He is a little girl being raped by her drunken father. Two little boys who are weeping at the freshly dug grave of their mother. He is the outcast. The forgotten. The hated and unloved.

Tommorrow is Good Friday.

We have organised a meal for 50 orphans at the Makhewu carepoint. Cooking starts at 7am. The party starts at 12.

I think there are more than enough 'religious' people in the world. Enough judgement and arrogance and exclusiveness.

I dont want to be religious. I dont even want to be a Christian.

All I want to do is take a bowl of water and wash the feet of my brother, my sister in pain.

To love them.

Not because I am 'special' or 'chosen' but because we are one.

As I try to find where my religious beliefs are at this time, I find myself wanting to avoid all labels. I don't know if I'm a Christian anymore, I really don't, and that phrase seems to scare people. But I do know that I can look to Jesus as a teacher and I can embrace the powerful love that he showed to everyone, and by living a life of washing the feet of my brothers and sisters is just about the best life that you can live.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

P.S. --How adorable is my little niece in her new Easter dress (that I got at Old Navy for only $10!!! ) And the headband she is wearing was found in my drawer. I bought it in Brazil from a lady who was making them on the side of the road to feed her family. You can see more photos from our Easter shoot at my photo blog.

Great Lake Swimmers: Lost Channels

2009-04-10T23:03:00.003-06:00

Artist: Great Lake Swimmers

Album: Lost Channels

Rating: 4 out of 5

Review at: in your speakers

Has a song ever haunted you? Has the voice of a certain singer conjured ancient spirits, captured forgotten emotions, and left you feeling a little displaced, but in a good way? Can the places in which a tune is crafted and a lyric composed encompass the ghosts that once dwelled there? The answer is a simple, resounding "yes." Don't believe me? Listen to Lost Channels, the practically ethereal new album from Toronto’s Great Lake Swimmers.

The core of this hip, empowering folk-rock group is singer/songwriter Tony Dekker. Dekker enjoys adding the occasional sound of harmonica and acoustic guitar to his particular musical style. The man is a genius, and his magical talent affects everything he touches. The band has previously released three albums: Great Lake Swimmers in 2003, Bodies and Minds in 2005, and Ongiara in 2007. Although some members of the band have changed since the seven years that Great Lake Swimmers have been active, Erik Arnesen has been Dekker’s constant right-hand man. Other band members include Greg Millson, Darcy Yates, and Julie Fader. Several of the songs feature perfected cameos by Paul Aucoin, Serena Ryder, and Bob Egan.

The album gives off an effortless sense of awe. Where other bands are loud, Great Lake Swimmers are quiet. Where other bands are full of undefinable hubris, Great Lake Swimmers are endearingly humble. Where other bands are complicated, Great Lake Swimmers are simple, but deceptively so.

The album represents a journey in which each song is a different path traveled, a different river crossed, and a different haunted church. Great Lake Swimmers are known for recording their music in isolated churches, buildings, and other lonesome places. And each church, each castle, each community lends their soul to the music created there. The band traversed the Thousand Islands region of Ontario, carrying their gear from boat to boat to record the castle bells that open "Singer Castle Bells".

The album starts out with "Palmistry", a beautifully flowing song with a universal theme. A man looking at the palm of his hand and trying to decipher his divine future from the lines he sees. "I've been carrying a heavy load," the man begins. He is joined with another voice for the refrain "Oh dear God, won't you tell me how I will not feel so lonely?" This plea seems as if God is not listening, ignoring, and the emotion is raw. The singer decides to read his own future, "Read the patterns on my skin, let the fire somehow get in. See my heartline is intact, so this is what I'm left...tell me something divine. Is there a future in these lines?"

This is followed up by the chant "Everything is Moving So Fast," whose lyrics eerily (yet motivationally) repeat "Everything is moving so fast. I am unlimited. Everything is moving so fast. I am unlimited." The song is a chant, one you feel you understand deep in your core, one that is easy for you to repeat. This would be the perfect song to listen to on a bus heading in an unknown direction, rain on the window, and you, uncertain of your future, but taking the leap anyway.

So much of this album is about the give and take of life, the ebb and flow, the yin and yang. It’s about someone wanting to talk to God, but seeing the divine inside the self. It’s about someone who realizes that they have unlimited potential and yet still finds life moving too fast. This idea is recapitulated in the third track, and lead single, "Pulling On A Line." The song has a melody and message that will hit the right chord with everyone. There is a line that seems to connect us all, each human to every other human. Sometimes we get pulled on and go a certain way, and sometimes we are the ones being pulled. Dekker refers to the song as an "abstract tug of war." And the pristine voice in which he sings it rings true. Sometimes we are the ones in control and sometimes we have to give up control and go with the flow. "I'm just pulling on a line and sometimes it pulls on me," he sings.

Perhaps one of the most captivating tracks is "Come To Me in Dreams" due to the combination of Dekker's voice, the soft drums, the beautiful and comforting harmonies, and the captivating lyrics. It will be a song that stays with you long after it is finished. The idea of your lover, a person with so much influence in your life appearing to you first in a dream is the idea that feeds the souls of poets.

This is but a taste of this album. The album is calm. The album rings. The album haunts. Simply put, Lost Channels will make you feel like you just found an old part of yourself that you left long ago along the river's edge.

Very, Very

2009-04-09T15:31:00.003-06:00

This girl is very smart, very charming, very beautiful and VERY fun to do a photo shoot with. You can see some candid shots here.

Manipulation

2009-04-07T21:24:00.004-06:00

Here is what my dining table currently looks like. I've got sketches and paintings and ideas scattered about. I'm constantly thinking and planning and manipulating materials. I've been thinking how cool it would be if I could offer PHOTOGRAPHS and PAINTINGS. A few of my friends have let me use some of their photos to practice with and build up a bit of a portfolio.

April and Randall

While these are very rough, I think the talent for capturing a mood and a feeling and a face is there. And yet, I have the art of manipulating it the way that I want...playing with colors and lines and shadows in a way that I can't when an image is caught only on camera

Stephanie and Kurt

I've thought a lot about manipulation lately. It happens a lot. It happens with everyone and I've had a bit of it this week with someone I barely know, a man, who is trying to get me to date him. He is SO obvious in his manipulation...the compliments, the guilt trips, the slight phrases that are said to get a certain response. I keep wondering if the world of dating is rooted, somehow, in subtle manipulations? I only had a few interactions with him, but does he not see how transparent he is?

Stina and Theo

Are you the type who can see clearly when someone is trying to manipulate you into a certain reaction or mood or belief? Do we manipulate ourselves? Can manipulation ever be a good thing? What is at the heart of it?

Spring Break Day 1

2009-04-05T00:33:00.004-06:00

I am officially on Spring Break! I have been planning this for awhile. My original plan was to go and bum around New York with Michelle for the week. But as times are hard, I've been trying to cut back and save everything for rainy days and Paris...or rainy days in Paris.

What to do with my free time? Read and paint, read and paint. That's my plan...A painting a day. Yesterday, I got those two out. I love them and I walked right into this fancy schmancy restaurant and said, "Hey, you have an open wall right there and I have just the paintings to fill it." And I showed them and now the paintings are up and out in the public. Kinda cool.

I painted the above painting today. Well, I started it late last night and finished it this evening. It's actually quite large and inspired from a photograph I took two years ago of one of my favorite couples. Since I have no romance in my life at present, painting "love" seems to be perfect food to feed and fill my romantic needs.
I liked it so much (it's quite large, about 16x20) that I put it up over my favorite antique (a dresser I've had since my birth...though it dates back much farther.) What do you think?
This one is smaller, but of the same couple. It's a 10 x12 with gouche (just black and ash blue). I love the comic book feel of it and the way her face turned out. Very sexy.

Wanting...

2009-04-03T20:22:00.004-06:00

Here is what I created today. I am calling it "Same". I really like it. It's two separate paintings that will be placed next to each other. I'm framing them tomorrow and will be able to get some better shots of it with the good camera. These were taken under some bad lighting. But I like them. I like them a lot. I'm hoping that I can sell a painting or two in the next couple of months so I can finally have enough money to buy oils.
A lot of people have asked me what I want lately, truthfully, I've been the most insistent with myself. "What do you want D'Arcy girl?" I know what I should want. One part of me wants a PhD and to be powerful and smart and sophisticated. The other part of me would like to find that person that I could be with for a couple of years and have a kid...just one. Part of me wants to move to New York to be in the heat of it all. Part of me wants to move to California to be in the cool of it all.

And yet, when I keep looking at what I want, what I really want...it's to help people. Plain and simple. I feel my profession is perfect for this. I feel I am good at it. I feel great pride and joy in my daily activities. But I also need more. I want to look at ways of donating my time to do more. I'm thinking of donating my summers to teaching English in Asia or Thailand. If I live frugally I could do this, without any other motive than to help.

When I think about what I REALLY want, I want to help people. I'm an educator. So, I'd like to educate. So many people, women especially, are searching for that, education frees. Sometimes I wonder if I don't need to seek after the prestige of the PhD or the cliche of a husband...and just wander the world, learning and living with it's people.

I'm looking to do this for summer of 2010. If you know any places that come to mind, let me know.

Family, Isn't it About Time?

2009-03-31T18:05:00.003-06:00

So, an interesting thing happened today. My mother just called in almost a fit of tears and sadness. Apparently, my sister called her and told her that my blog is covered with pornography (which I find quite entertaining/disturbing on several levels). My sister also told my mother that I was bashing the church, the 12 Apostles, and that I used the F-word every other word. I am not kidding, this is EXACTLY what my mother said to me. Now, given my families penchant for drama, I'll believe that my sister said about half of that.

My mom and my sister. They've never read my blog actually. I really only know of a cousin or two who occasionally checks it. Other than that, no one in the immediate fam besides April. Thus my freedom to discuss and talk and not worry about any repercussions.

So, back to this moment...my sister just printed out my last blog to give to my mother who doesn't know how to use the internet very well. They know I've not been active, but I've never given too many reasons because I know that they wouldn't understand. My mom in a fit of tears and frustration, just dramatically shouting "But why?! Why would you want the priesthood?! Why?!!!!"

It is the easiest thing for me to say, "Well, women need the priesthood." Because to me it sums up much of what I feel and see in the church about the patriarchy. Maybe I don't REALLY want the priesthood per se, but I do want more. I don't know how to voice that I feel hurt in a religion that doesn't hurt them, that I feel confused by a religion that doesn't confuse them, that I feel put down and trod upon and used and slapped, and lied to by a religion that has lifted, helped and loved them. And it does not help that they know very little about the actual true church history and the deeper doctrines, in response to this my mom said, "Well, I have more important things to do everyday." So, again, it's hard to get my point across with this type of "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude.

My mom confessed that she feels I am falling away from the family. With my family I don't mention a lot of ideas because I know no one will converse with me about them or even understand them. I am happy, simple, kind, the peacemaker, and when my mom or sister say things that I utterly can't agree with, i just smile and nod. I know, hard to picture me like that. But truly, it's the Pollyanna image I've cultivated for years as an active LDS/return missionary.

I've seen my family about 5 times in the last two weeks, so I'm not falling away per se, but I did finally confess to my mother something as well.

"Well, Mom, you don't really know me."

And then there was silence. And neither of us knew exactly what to say....

So she went on to tell me that Obama was the Lenin of our time, the Hitler and the Anti-Christ all in one.

Way to find some common footing mom.

But mom, as you read this, just think. Think about it. You've raised a daughter who is happy and accomplished, a daughter who seeks to do good and spends her days teaching children to think important thoughts. You've raised a daughter who has loved and traveled the world and embraced everyone...no matter color or creed with love and acceptance. You've raised a daughter in tune with her spirituality, a daughter who thinks on her own, a daughter who lives authentically and not how anyone else wants her to live. You've raised a daughter who is true to herself, who loves her family, who loves God, who is trying to do her best. Really, mom, just remember, you've done a good job with me. So, sit back, take a deep breath, and let's try to get to know each other, ok.

Am I Pornography??

2009-03-29T08:14:00.000-06:00

(This was taken from a post over at Zelophehad's Daughters...some awesome, rocking ex-mormon/mormon feminists!)

A major voice in the LDS church recently said,

“And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” (Elder Oaks, April Conference 2005)

To me, this quote raises a troubling, unsettling issue for me as a woman. I don't really know exactly how to voice it, but I'm gonna try.

Elder Oaks centers his ideas around very specific gender roles. Men are the ones who are continuously subject to their sexual urges and women are the ones who hold the power to control men's sexual urges.

To Elder Oaks’s credit he does qualify his statement, not alleging that women are themselves inherent pieces of pornography under all their clothes, but only that they become pornography to some men. Yet, I still find myself completely troubled by this statement in general.

Does the focal point of pornography reside more in the object instead of in the action of gazing? I mean, isn't the definition of pornography that of an image viewed in a particular way, and not a particular person?

I could pose the question, what exactly is wrong with pornography? Is it ok in moderation? Is some pornography, that of various photos better than full on videos depicting random and wild acts of sex?

I think the real problem is the complete and utter objectification of other people that pornography tends to promote. People (women mostly) soon become viewed as tools capable of satisfying the viewers own desires rather than seen as actual people with desires of their own.

Is pornography the opposite of charity? Of selflessness? Of purity?

In the above statement, however, women’s subjectivity has been conveniently elided. Men are potential consumers of pornography, where women are potential creators (even unwittingly); thus, men’s obligation is to eschew viewing pornographic material where women’s obligation is to eschew becoming pornographic material. Men are sexual subjects where women are sexual objects.

In short, by framing his discussion in this manner, Elder Oaks has replicated and perpetuated the very dynamic which is problematic about pornography to begin with.

Too bad.

For discussion fun:

I've dated several men this past year and most of them, in fact, all but one, admitted to watching pornography in some form or another. Do you think this is just a right of passage, a normal part of everyday life? Is it something we need to learn to accept rather than condemn? Or is it something, as women, we should shun and leave room for a NO EXCEPTIONS type policy?

Also:

I was recently rereading Persepolis and there is a part when the women have to go back to wearing the veil because their hair is seen as too much temptation for the men in their country. That, in fact, they were walking pornography when they had their hair showing. I am concerned, honestly, that in some respects, the LDS religion seems to be embracing this idea and leaving the residual feeling in the hearts of women that THEY are part of the problem.

Utah is Number One

2009-03-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

Utah is NUMBER ONE in anti-depression consumption. Yee-haw!

Psychiatrists point to several factors that could contribute to Utah's high levels of depression: limited mental health resources, restricted access to treatment as a result of cost, poor quality of resources and a varied list of other factors, including an under funded educational system and a culture deeply rooted in the Mormon faith.

"In Mormon culture females are supposed accept a calling. They are to be constantly smiling over their family of five. They are supposed to take supper across the street to an ill neighbor and then put up with their husband when he comes home from work and smile about it the whole time. There is this sense that Mrs. Jones down street is doing the same thing, and there is this undercurrent of competition. To be a good mother and wife, women have to put on this mask of perfection. They can't show their tears, depression or agony," Canning said.

"Obedience, conformity and maintaining a sense of harmony" are unspoken but widely recognized behaviors, which all contribute to what he calls "the Mother of Zion syndrome."

Salt Lake City is rated the most VAIN city. Three Cheers!!

Yep, not New York or Miami or L.A...but little ole' humdrum SLC.

SLC earned this distinction, in part, because there are at least 45 plastic surgeons practicing in Salt Lake City, or six per 100,000 people, according to Forbes. Part of our bounty could be attributed to the University of Utah's School of Medicine, which offers residencies in plastic and reconstructive surgery.

The other part of the ranking had to do with our at-home beauty regimens. In the last year, locals spent more than $2.2 million on hair coloring, $116,478 on hair growth products, more than $2.5 million on facial cosmetics and more than $4.4 million on skin-care products. Our spending exceeded that of similar-size cities.

Oklahoma City, for instance, spent only $172,080 on hair coloring, $9,323 on hair growth products, $190,820 on facial cosmetics and more than $400,000 on skin-care products, according to Information Resources, a research company that tracks cosmetic and toiletries sales.

What does this say about us? That we care a million (or two) more times about what we look like than the people in Oklahoma City? Or, as the article suggests, are we vain? Or do we just place a premium on looking good? OR ARE WE ALL JUST FU**ING INSECURE?!? Hmmm....

And finally, our proudest moment?

Utah NUMBER ONE in online porn subscriptions! Whoot! Whoot!
And friends...I gotta lot to say about this one...but that's it's own post!

May I politely ask this religious state what in the world is going on? Does an emphasis on perfection lead to horrible insecurities? Does an emphasis on chastity and loving, lasting relationships cause the porn subscriptions to sky rocket? Are we all just awkward and backwards? Seriously, what is going on?

PEEPS!!

2009-03-26T18:36:00.004-06:00

I realized that one thing Iove about this time of year is not only the budding of flowers, but the simple budding of color. And you see it most pronounced with the new look of the candy. All your favorite candies seem to put on a new frock that is much more appealing than the drab garb they usually wear. Oh sweet candy, how you allure!

Apparently I AM taken in by a pretty appearance because I went to put together a little Easter basket for my sister and found myself smiling at all these little adorable sheep, delightful carrots, bunny rabbits and chicks and other favorites. And I thought, "Hey, I'm a grown woman! I'm smart! I'm college educated! What is it about these sweet little lambs that makes me want to buy them?" I still can't figure it out, but buy them I did.

If only healthy food tasted like chocolate! God's cruel trick. I guess fancy marketing is all it takes to reel me in! When did I become so predictable!?? What's your favorite Easter treat?

Once when I was little my parents bought Audra, April, and myself each our own little chick that had been dyed (so not PETA approved!) Audra's was an unnatural cobalt blue, mine was a deep fuschia (so odd see a bird of that color..her name was Ruby) and April's was a bright, bright Hollywood yellow (not sweet baby chick yellow. I have NO idea where my parents got these birds, if they dyed them on their own (which seems unlikely) and why no one else in the neighborhood had such an Easter treat. We soon became the freaky girls in the neighborhood with the scary chicks. All chicks died shortly, probably from complications of unnatural dyes mixed with feathers. Wow, crazy memory. Any great Easter memories you have??

Some Easter Candy Facts:

Easter is the second most important candy-eating occasion of the year for Americans, who consumed 7 billion pounds of candy in 2001, according to the National Confectioner's Association.

In 2000, Americans spent nearly $1.9 billion on Easter candy, while Halloween sales were nearly $2 billion; Christmas, an estimated $1.4 billion; and Valentine's Day, just over $1 billion.

Ninety million chocolate Easter bunnies are produced each year.

Chocolate bunnies should be eaten ears first, according to 76% of Americans. Five percent said bunnies should be eaten feet first, while 4% favored eating the tail first.

Adults prefer milk chocolate (65%), to dark chocolate (27%).

Hot cross buns were among the earliest Easter treats, made by European monks and given to the poor during Lent.

Pretzels were originally associated with Easter. The twists of a pretzel were thought to resemble arms crossed in prayer.

A Free Bird

2009-03-25T11:19:00.005-06:00

Life is good. Life is beautiful. Life is busy. Life is happy. Life is right where I want it to be given a few exceptions. I think because I'm not having religious anxiety, I've gotten rid of most of my relationship drama in my life (that intense dating time was TOO intense), and I've decided to focus on me again, funny how happy I can become.

I have been focused on others a lot this past year. I focused on what people would think about me given my religious woes, and I spent the better part of last year trying to get two people to fall in love with me when it just wasn't working. Now that I've taken a step back from it all, and I'm just D'Arcy again (happy and mostly sane...except for those late night phone calls to Michelle to help keep me grounded) I feel good. I feel damn good.

Work is a major success. Homelife is peaceful and idyllic. My heart and home and love and money are all just working.

I haven't posted much. I've been getting healthy. Farewell dear Rice Pudding...hello cucumbers. I've been hitting the gym about two hours a day, making healthy meals, putting more effort into waking up early and actually putting some make-up on this mug. And by the time I know it, it's 10 o'clock at night and ready to go to bed. I've been trying to read blogs and keep up, but it just hasn't been calling me like it used to. My attention is somewhere else.

Here are some various snippets:

1. My kids took first in the state for English Quest competition

2. A young boy dropped a note on my desk telling me he was praying for me ( I think my feminist/agnostic soul just hangs in the air)

3. I got to hold Holly's adorable baby for almost an hour on Saturday and he just cooed and smiled a winning grin.

4. My students have been composing their own poetry and presenting it. One of my student, a girl who got pregnant four months ago and just found out the sex of her baby read a poem today that she composed for that baby. It was one of the most emotional and heartfelt moments of my teaching career. She will be giving that baby up for adoption in just five months.

5. Another student picked up a gummy bear from the ground to eat. I advised against this. He did not listen to my plea, only to chew on said gummy bears and come to find out it had been in another students mouth just seconds before. Um, yeah, I DON'T teach elementary school.

6. I've been sticking to being a vegetarian. It's a sweet, sweet fresh life!

7. I just rediscovered an old poem by Maya Angelou:

A free bird leaps on the back

Of the wind and floats downstream

Till the current ends and dips his wing

In the orange suns rays

And dares to claim the sky.

While so many are struggling to claim their piece of sky....mine is blue and clear for now. And I'm gonna enjoy that while it lasts...in between the storms. Oh yeah, and I just reserved my hotel for Venice. That's some blue, blue sky!

P.S. Jenn, I don't know if this is entertaining to you....but here's something I found funny if you want to take a gander!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK3orTftfbA

Matt & Katherine

2009-03-15T23:43:00.001-06:00

I had such an amazing time photographing Matt and Katherine's wedding on Thursday. They are so in love, so amazing, so beautiful, and I am so lucky to have them both in my life. This was a quiet moment I caught between the two of them. The day was sunny, but still a bit chilly. It's nice to be wrapped up in an embrace, fully, in love, isn't it?

You can see the whole event here!

D'Arcy gets Shot

2009-03-11T11:22:00.005-06:00

I was born ready to learn. I was a curious child and asked endless questions and was continually creating stories and ideas to fit my world.

I envied my older sister (five years older). She had the pretty blue room. She didn't have to share with anyone. She had all the cool things. Amongst her belongings was a golden yellow booster chair like the one featured aboved. When she became too large to sit in it, she would place her dolls in it and pretend to feed them. In contrast, I was the PERFECT size for the chair. I dreamed of owning it. Of sitting in it at the table so I could be taller. Of putting my dolls in it and feeding them.

Oh, the dreams of a young girl's heart!

During the booster seat-envy-phase, I was also preparing for school. I went to preschool when I was still two (almost three) which sounds crazy now. I stayed in preschool until I was four. At four, I was going to start kindergarten and I couldn't wait.

There was just one thing.

I had to get the booster shots.

But this was ok. I was prepared to take the pain, because I logically worked it out in my mind that when I got my boosters shots...then the nurse with shiny hair and a pristine, white uniform and angelic voice would congratulate me and hand me a beautiful, new, golden booster seat. All in slow motion.

It just made sense: booster shots merited a booster seat...I mean, where else would you get a booster seat?

The awaited day came. My father took me to get the shots. I was determined not to cry or show any sign of pain (as I thought that might be reason for them NOT to give me the seat). I went in and was the bravest four year old you ever saw. All the nurses said so. There were screaming kids all over that waiting room, and my father was proud that his kid wasn't throwing a fit, showing fear, or just being annoying with tears. He was beaming with pride.

I waited.

I got shot.

It hurt like hell and I wanted to cry.

But I didn't.

The nurse had shiny hair and a white pristine uniform and the voice of an angel as she congratulated me.

And then she patted my head and sent me on my way.

I was confused.

I looked up and said, "Um, excuse me. But, where is my booster seat?"

The nurse and my father exchanged glances, unsure what I was talking about.

"You mean, your booster shots? Well, honey, you just got it. And you were a very, very brave girl." And she patted my head again. My father echoed her praise and started walking away.

"Wait, no! I got a booster shot. Now I want my booster seat!"

The two looked at each other and the nurse started LAUGHING at me! LAUGHING.

"You don't get a booster seat just because you got a booster shot. How funny. Whan an imagination."

I felt dejected. Awful. And I waited before we were back in the truck before I let the weeping, wailing, and the gnashing of teeth begin.

My poor dad didn't know what to do.

Sometimes I feel like I still create these type of logical explanations in life. This sound like it should equal this. And when it doesn't. I'm not sure what cruel joke life is playing on me. I go through something painful because I'm sure the reward will be worth it. And sometimes, the reward is just a pat on the head.

The end.

Using her Tiara

2009-03-07T11:55:00.001-07:00

April and I have gotten a little hooked on the first season of Wonder Woman. The clothes, the moves, the lasso, the tiara. 1976 was the year of great television and the beginning of girl power on TV.

God's a Woman Too

2009-03-05T21:10:00.006-07:00

I found this video while reading over at Kate Lord Brown's website.

I've been pondering a question today. A question that makes no sense. I've wondered how people who claim to love you can be the quickest to speak harshly to you when you do or do not deserve it. When you feel love for someone, shouldn't it be the easiest thing in the world to speak words of love to them, even when you're angry? Don't we all reach an age where we learn how to handle other people's mistakes or shortcomings gracefully, ESPECIALLY with those we love? I guess that's a Godlike attribute that many would say we lack, but I'm hopeful. I've been hurt a lot. A lot. But I can honestly say that I have not ever purposefully or intentionally tried to hurt someone with my words. I've never said "I love you" to someone and then turned around and said "fuck you" to that same person the next day. Is it true that love and hate can be that closely connected?

That's the thing. I got an emotional sucker punch in the face this morning. A very big FUCK YOU right to the gut. And yet, instead of crying and scrambling around doing what women do best in trying to apologize for causing it (even if I didn't) or blaming myself (even if it's not my fault) or questioning my own valid feelings (even if they don't match with what someone wants me to feel)....well, ok, I DID do all of those things for most of the day....but instead of being pulled into this pit of failure or sadness, I decided not to go hide in a corner like the wounded puppy I felt like.

That's right, instead of feeling too trampled to move forward, I actually felt a pull to better myself, push myself, and to let that Phoenix rise and fly, even if I go my journey alone (And Paris alone this summer is a big manifestation of just what my life has in store for me). Then I found this song, and actually it seemed to fit my mood. You can tell the singer is powerful, her words alone prove that, but her voice is so small and has so much growing and things yet to prove, but she is on the brink of proving that. That's where I am in my life. That's what you are witnessing. Sure, I got hurt today, but in the end I'm responsible for my actions. I'm responsible for my happiness.

In the end, I own my reality, and I've decided I'm not going to get mad at the world or at God. I'm not looking for a man or a woman or a job or a car or a size to make me feel better about something. I've weighed all the facts, and despite it all, I'm still an optimist.

Neko Case is Woman

2009-03-05T10:42:00.006-07:00

Album: Middle Cyclone
Artist: Neko Case
Review: In Your Speakers
Rating: Four out of Five Stars

Neko Case is woman. Hear her roar. And lest you doubt, just take a glance at the album cover for her latest artistic endeavor, Middle Cyclone. Case is crouched and ready to pounce, fight, defend, and sing her heart out. In truth, she’s not much different than the animals that she writes and sings about. With the fierce gleam in her eye, you get the sensation all at once that Neko Case is simultaneously a killer whale and a magpie. She has tapped into her animal like characteristics, all the beauty, all the soul, all the chase and put it into one all too human album.

Neko Case is not a novice to her craft, and yet, with Middle Cyclone, she brings the intensity, passion, and heart of a first time recorder. In 2006, Case released Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. It was a funky combination of country rock, soulful gospel (Southern style), and some pop hymns. She sang about lions and sparrows. In Middle Cycle she sings about whales and magpies, all the while reminding us “I’m an animal, and you’re an animal, too.” Combining the talents of several of Case’s longtime friends, including Calexico, M. Ward, Los Lobos, and the New Pornographers, the album embraces a country twang as well as the beauty of a whole new type of tenderness . In Middle Cyclone, you will find Case as tangible as ever, and yet she manages to stay illusive enough to remain just out of reach (just try and decipher the lyrics of “Polar Nettles”).

With so much creative genius joined together, you’d have to seriously hate indie rock if you don’t immediately fall in love with this album. And for all of that collaboration, you get the sense that this is her show, her tour de force, and she doesn’t apologize or wonder…she knows she has created a masterpiece. Middle Cyclone also embraces something that Neko has shunned in most of her previous work: the topic of love. The album begins with “This Tornado Loves You”, in which she compares love to a near natural disaster, saying to the world that when she’s involved in loving, it can get dangerous. Her voice is as wide and strong as you’d expect from the woman on the album cover. And yet, when you listen to the title track, there is something so revealing, personal, tender, and quiet about the loneliness she reveals. She is definitely putting all of herself out on the battlefield.

Two of the albums most lyrical tracks are "I'm an Animal" and "Red Tide" because they do everything that Neko does so well. They are vast, they are poetic, they encourage you to think and sway at once. She takes to minor chords in “Prison Girls” and then goes to an old time slow dance in “Fever”. Her spunk is lilting in “The Next Time You Say Forever” where she threatens violence to the next man who makes false promises to her. Following that up with “People Got A Lot of Nerve” drives her point home.

What stands out above all else is the care, love, craft, and soul that Case put into every detail of Middle Cyclone’s creation. From finding as many pianos on Craigslist that she could cram into a Vermont barn for recording, to the sax solos, the beating drums, and the quick succession of each track to create a work of art that gives the impression that while intense, quick and intelligent, she also has all the time in the world to do what she loves.

Steph & Scott Tie the Knot!

2009-02-28T23:15:00.003-07:00

By the way, Stephanie and Scott are now MARRIED!!!

Nous Non Plus et Vous

2009-02-28T11:43:00.003-07:00

Seriously LOVE this band. One of my all time favorite finds. This video is pretty awesome too!

Band: Nous Non Plus
Album: Menagerie
Rating: Five out of Five Stars

Read Review at In Your Speakers

Elegant, sexy, chic and multi-lingual. No, ladies, I’m not describing the perfect man (well, maybe I am), but rather the perfect band. The challenge of finding the perfect band (and man, but that’s another review) has tormented music lovers such as myself for two decades. You know what I mean. They need that certain savoir-faire, that certain je ne sais quoi, that certain carefully crafted mixing of Moog synthesizers with string sections accompanied by horns with distorted guitars. But when you finally do find it, you propose. You wed. And you have a honeymoon full of sweaty love making a la 60’s French pop (Go-Go boots not included).

Nous Non Plus (pronounced ‘new non ploo’) is an indie rock band straight out of New York City. While they sound very French, the band is actually composed of five Yankees plus one Swiss-German. Many of the band members were actually part of the original collaboration of Les Sans Culottes, another faux-French band. Letting the faux-Frenchness go to their heads, a few of them followed the French tradition of staging a coup d’etat and leaving the band. After a very French battle at court, Nous Non Plus (literally translated to “us no more”) immerged on the scene.

Lead singer, Céline Dijon, bassman/lead singer Jean-Luc Retard, fiddler/vocalist Bonnie Day (which if you say it fast means “good idea” in French), guitarist Cal d’Hommage (which again, if you say if fast means, “what a shame” or “bad idea”), drummer Professeur Harry Covert ( say “Harry Covert” fast and it means “green bean”), along with synth player “Mars” Chevrolet, and François Hardonne (no explanation need for this one, c’est vrai?) fondling those keyboards and pumping his trumpet. So, while their nom de plums may give the impression that the band is less than serious, their faux-French sound will sing you the truth.

Simply put, the entire album is about having fun. The band never limits themselves to one musical style, thus the title of Menagerie holds true, there is something for everyone. It’s like a delectable selection from a never ending French buffet. “Loli” is as rockable in your mouth as a cherry tart, the harmonies of “Catastrophe” are as rich and buttery as warm croissants, French Teacher (my personal favorite because I DO play a French teacher by day) is a swirl of French/English smooth liquor going down just right. Are you hungry yet? You’ll be hungry for more, and this album will feed you and fill you without any guilt of the music calories. In fact, it will induce you into much gluttonous listening behavior.

You want a Broadway musical sound then try “Claque Claque.” What about spooky keyboards in “La Momie” a song about a girl in love with a mummy…pure genius, I know. “Toi et Moi” showcases Dijon’s sultry sound accompanied by a despondent piano, while “Mais Maintenenant, Il Faut Danser” (now, we must dance!) is full of a stomping beat that will have you groovin’ in the reminiscent style of Serge Gainsbourg and Bridget Bardot.

This album will keep you rocking, rolling and just plain ole happy for its entirety. More than that, it will also prove the old adage that, yes, everything really does sound better in French.

Latter-Day Saints Part II

2009-02-28T08:24:00.004-07:00

This morning I woke up with a desire to focus on WHAT REALLY MATTERS. It comes mostly after reading the blog of a man I hope to one day call a friend. He is a doctor helping each day to inform, educate, help, and love. I'll be doing a post about him tomorrow. But today, I wanted to focus on what really matters about my LDS faith.

The LDS church participates in Humanitarian service across the globe, in vast ways, to far away lands, and all in the spirit of love.

So many people in my life have taught me the value of serving and loving.

Whether it be from one of the latest campaign of 54,784 Latter-day Saint volunteers, the Church has contributed to measles campaigns in 28 countries. In total, 189,261,345 children have been vaccinated in the campaigns where Church members participated, according to Church Welfare Services.

And the effort is saving lives.

Worldwide deaths from measles were 242,000 in 2006, down from nearly 900,000 in 1999. The goal of the Measles Vaccination Initiative is to bring the mortality rate to fewer than 100,000 by 2010, said Dr. Peter Strebel of the World Health Organization.

My old Bishop went to Kenya to build a school. He took thousands of dollars of his own money to help teach and educate a village. He brought the young kids clothes to wear and school uniforms. He built desks side by side with the men of the village, giving them the tools to do so. He is, to this day, one of the most giving and charitable people that I know. THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

When April was living in Paris, she got into a horrible car accident. She was far from home, had no one around and the people of the church cared for her. They loved her. They went with her to the hospital, stayed by her side, helped her to pack and safely took her to the airport so she could come home. They were their for her each step of the way, giving her blessings, giving her love and care and THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

The countless times I have been in strange lands and foreign countries and I have felt comfort in knowing I had an immediate community across the globe of people who would be willing to help me and care for me. Even with Michelle and I got stuck in Argentina in September (curse you hurricane IKE!) We had seen the temple as we were driving into Buenos Aires and we knew that if our resources ran out, we could go there and they would help us. Some member would give us a place to stay. Someone would give us a ride to the airport. We could really count on that and I think THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

The amazing woman who lives in my sister's Ward who went to Africa on a mission for two years and taught the women of a certain village how to sew. She brought them sewing machines and material and taught them how to make these beautiful African baby dolls. These dolls are becoming well known. They are 25 dollars each and that is the pricetag on one year of education for a child. I bought my nieces one for Christmas. I spoke with the woman and she told me of the great pride these ladies in Africa have at actually being able to work for their children to go to school. No one likes a handout, but honest work, THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

TO FINALLY

Latter-day Saint Charities
To help carry out Church humanitarian efforts, Latter-day Saint Charities was created in 1996. Latter-day Saint Charities is a private 501(c)(3) nonprofit charitable agency registered in many countries.

Latter-day Saint Charities is a member of InterAction, the largest alliance of U.S.-based international development and humanitarian nongovernmental organizations.

There are just too many examples from around the globe to my personal life to really put them out here. But I do believe that most people are just trying to do the best that they can each and every day.

Latter-Day Saints

2009-02-25T13:21:00.004-07:00

Disclaimers:

1. I'm Tired.
2. When I'm tired I don't like strangers dropping by wanting to know why I'm not going to church.

When is enough REALLY enough? How many times do I keep rejecting people until the point is made (or a new Relief Society presidency is called or another person feels moved to contact me)? Last night, in the midst of a crazy week, dinner, emailing, and planning my two competions that I have this week-- two members of the RS presidency showed up, unannounced at my door and wanted entrance.

This comes after finally getting rid of my Visiting Teachers after repeatedly telling them I didn't want any contact (which they still did) and then I basically called the church and told them to NOT send them anymore. They finally got the hint. This comes after calls from the bishop's clerk for several weeks to set up an interview with me (no way in hell that that is going to happen, by the way). This comes after countless phone calls from Home Teachers and one horrific experience where I almost made the sister missionaries cry (I told them that I would return to church "As soon as women could hold the priesthood." Oh yeah, and I wouldn't let them in my house either, and they seemed very distraught as they walked away with heads hanging low).

The beauty of it all? I know EXACTLY what they are doing, their tactics, the strategies, the commitment pattern, the hope they feel, the idea that their message and friendship will save me and everything else shining through their eyes that look upon my sinful, hardened, removed-from-all-that-is-holy soul. I also, conflictingly so, know the complete sincerety with which they are fellowshipping me, because much of the time that I was in their shoes, I felt motivated by love.

Yep. I know. I've knocked on several doors of people like me. Karma has come back to fully bite me in the ass. Huzzah for Karma.

Here's how it went:

knock, knock

Me: Please don't be people from the church, it seems that whenever someone unexpected knocks on my door, it's someone from the church.

opening of door

two smiling faces

Me: Shit, church people.

Church Girl #: Hi! Are you D'Arcy or April?

Me: I'm D'Arcy

Church Girl #2: Oh my gosh, D'Arcy we've wanted to meet you for so long. We just keep seeing your name on the roles and that apostrophe is so cool.

Me: Yep, apostrophes are cool.

Church Girl #1: So hi, I'm Church Girl #1 and this is Church Girl #2 and we're from the Relief Society and we were hoping we could come in and talk to you.

Me: Actually, no. (I used to say, "no, thank you", but like I said, it's already been a long week).

Church Girl #2: (face falls, she looks truly sad) Oh, may I ask why. I know I don't know you, but can you tell me why you won't come to church?

Church Girl #1 (equally sad face) Yeah, is it like the people or the doctrine?

Me: It's doctrinal. The people are great. You guys seem great. Thanks for stopping by. (This isn't really true, I mean most of my issues are doctrinal, but the culture of the people is hard to take too. I go to shut the door)

Church Girl #1: (pleadingly) Oh, well you know. I could probably answer any questions you may have.

note to self, CG #1 looks all of 21 and CG #2 looks all of 18. Hmmm, could they REALLY answer my questions. During my active 30 years I read voraciously on church history, doctrine, commenteries, not to mention all of the standard works a few times (ok, Old Testment all the way through only twice, but I've read the Book of Mormon in depth over 30 times {2-3 times a year since I was 15}) I was the girl in the MTC that was called "Sister Scholar", I've been the one in my family that people always went to for clarity or history or fun facts about Prophets! (and boy do they get fun!) I was the one who went to the temple at least monthly if not more. And wow, here it was, the person who could answer my questions. I know she didn't mean to sound condescending, but with the journey I have had with religion, it sounded pretty condescending. (Especially because I think the assumption is that single people who tend to go inactive, do so because of laziness).

(FYI: I am sure, postive really, that I perfectly understand the spirit in which these girls MEANT to "help" me. But after so many attempts, I've finally gotten riled up enough to blog about it.)

I just said, "No, thank you." and shut the door.

In discussing this with a friend that night, he suggested a more delightful way in dealing with them would be to give them a challenge.
Have them define "sexism"
Then have them define "patriarchy"
Then have them give at least three examples of a "sexist" events.
Then have them give at least three examples of "patriarchal" events.
Then have them design a structure that is truly sexist and truly patriarchal.
Then have them compare that with the LDS church structure.
Then point MIGHT be made?

Sadly, I guess that goes for almost EVERY religion in the world and the LDS church is no exception.

I just wished that the LDS church WERE the exception, then I'd be able to let them into my home.

The Best Thing About the Oscars (Part Deux)

2009-02-23T09:28:00.010-07:00

1. HUGH JACKMAN. HUGH JACKMAN. The man is an Australian who played an Australian in a film called Australia. If that is not acting range, I don't know what is. PLUS we got to see him do what he does best, sing and dance, tap and woo, and just be Hugh. And while most love it when he's all muscled up and kicking ass, I just love to see his sentimental dreamy side in a coat and tails.

2. BEN STILLER's impersonation of the freaky sleaky Joaquin Phoenix. "I just don't want to be the funny man anymore." Too bad Natalie Portman isn't as good at comedy as Ben, but it was still a good laugh.

3. Anne Hathaway's dress and VOICE! Oh, her and Hugh really pulled that number off delightfully. It's still depressing to me that because of conflict schedules Anne wasn't able to be in The Phantom of the Opera and we are stuck forever with Emmy Rossum.

4. The way the camera kept focusing on Brad and Angelina the whole time that Jennifer Aniston was presenting. Very tacky Academy, very tacky.

5. The new way of personalizing the presentations was simply moving. Having past oscar winners come out and give indivdualized recognition to each of the nominees was such an AMAZING idea that I can't believe they hadn't done it before.

6. The entire cast of SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. If that's not indication of the law of attraction, I seriously don't know what is. I am so glad a happy, moving movie actually won this year (what with gory and depressing The Departed and No Country for Old Men winning the past two years.)

7. LET'S JUST SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW: THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!! What great numbers! I loved it!

8. I did miss having each of the musicians actually play the nominated songs. I missed it so much that I acutally missed the part where someone won for that? I can't even remember who it was? Not memorable at all!

9. Tilda Swenson is still as freaky looking and freaky dressing as ever. What will it be like when her eyes are no longer PEIRCING into mine with an intensity that burns me to the core??

10. THE FASHION!!! People played it safe and classy this year. And while I always like seeing a few crazies to make things interesting, it's also nice when all the women and men (wait a second, Mickey Rourke DID give us some eye candy! Oh yeah, and seriously PSH? You COULDN'T remove the beanie for the Oscars? Seriously...) are flawless.

Tops on my list were always and forever Nicole Kidman, she can do no wrong in my book (and I TOTALLY want to do my hair like that!) Viola Davis was stunning. Penelope Cruz's vintage dress was breathtaking. I also like Marisa Tomei and I just love Kate Winslet...even if her hair was a bit helmety.

P.S. --Sophia Loren, I can't find a photo of you right now. But you officially scare the shit out of me. Officially official.

P.P.S.--Kate when your dad whistled so that you could know where he was, that was seriously awesome and kind of choked me up a bit.

Ordinary

2009-02-21T13:53:00.004-07:00

Disclaimer: yep, before you even read I have to be honest and tell you that I am NOT seeking for any type of validation that you may feel the need to write to me after you read this post. Seriously. Don't do it. Just think the thought I'm presenting and walk about in it for a bit.

John Legend has a beautiful music video of the song "Ordinary People" that you should all watch, but youtube won't let me post it. Instead, I'll post my new favorite song. Maybe all of us are just "dreaming of Revelry" and thus don't have time to call each other and form functional relationships?

Lately I've been pondering the fact that I might actually be completely ordinary. That there might not be anything truly magnificent about me. That there might not be anything that makes me stand out in a crowd. That there has to be some reason why things in my life continue to follow similar patterns. That there is reason why some people spend one or two evenings with me, or a weekend away, and then kind of shrug their shoulders at the idea of spending more time with me.

Yep. I'm ordinary.

Last night I went to a dinner party with Michelle as my date. We had dinner with Stina and Alisa and their spouses. While driving to dinner, Michelle and I had an interesting, non emotional (and VERY rational...cause we're like that) conversation that the reason we seem not to make it past date one or two or three (her number lately has been seven, which throws my three out of the water) is because we just don't have that certain "je ne sais quoi" that keeps them coming back. What IS THAT anyway? Can someone define that for me?

Dinner was awesome. The six of us laughed and talked and joked and had some crazy conversations (A and S, you KNOW what I am talking about!). It truly was a wonderful night. At the beginning of the evening, as Michelle and I were sharing our "ordinary" philosophy, Stina's husband said "Well, you just haven't found the RIGHT guy." And he really meant it, as do most people who tell us that. (Although, I'm beginning to wonder about finding lots of wrong guys for the past 13 years seems like a long run of REALLY bad luck.)

Where were we?

Ah yes, the "you've not found the right guy" bit. If I had a nickel for every time someone has said that to me, I'd be a woman of leisure (and heaven knows THAT's not my reality at the moment, damn you economy and 401 k plans!!!!!) I wonder (and A and S, take this with all the love and thought that I am putting out there) if that is an easy thing that people who married young and found "the one" say to others who don't have what they have (and in fact have NEVER had what they have). I wonder if that's just an assumption in their minds because it actually did become a reality for THEM. When the truth be told, it very well might NEVER become a reality for me (or Michelle, that's right, I'm not going to be alone in this!!) It HONESTLY really might not ever happen. And yet, most married people and many single people still hold on to this idea that it just HAS to happen in life. It is part of life. When really, that's just a Hollywood definition of life, is it not? I mean, I am VERY happy with life and love where I am at and actually think that being single just might be for me, but that doesn't mean I don't get irked with the whole game of love and dating.

So yeah, I am totally on the fence about marriage at this point in my life, in fact, I don't desire it at all right now. However, I would like some practice of just having someone return my metaphorical phone calls. The good thing about Michelle and I is that we are not psycho (at least in actions). We aren't hard to get rid of, we don't keep after men who don't call when they say they will, we don't make a nuisance of ourselves. We are actually very GOOD dates. We make good conversation, we are well groomed, we are intelligent. And I wonder, has that become ordinary? Are there so many over educated, intelligent women who also have that certain flare that that leaves those of us who might be flareless kicked out of the bed?

Hmmm, it's interesting to think about. Because there definitely ARE those girls that have the flare. We all know them. Maybe you are them. Maybe you hate them. Maybe. But they are there and it's no use pretending that they are not. How do they know what to do? Are there classes that teach the flare? If there were, I couldn't afford them, damn you twice economy!!

P.S. If one person tells me that I will find the "one" or anything along those lines then I am going to hunt you down and go crazy on your ass. However, if you want to discuss anything else not along those lines, be my guest. Though I've probably scared you away from commenting at all. Which is fine. What is there really to say? Nothing much. I think that's why I find myself shrugging my shoulders for most of life's big questions now.

I Write My Own Love Songs

2009-02-19T12:31:00.008-07:00

When you're young and impressionable, you believe that one of the most romantic things that could happen to you is that your love would inspire a song. Yes, that you will have a romance of bibilcal proportions, that you will be a MUSE (!!!!!!!), that you will inspire poetry and agnst, and large consuptions of alcohol!

Sigh.....

But, honestly, that's never happened to me. I never seem to leave a very large mark on past loves, though most of mine still haunt me in some way. So, when my friend Emily asked me to compose a song for her latest album, I decided that I would take my last love and pretend to write a song that maybe I could have inspired. I know, so pitiful it makes you think I'm a bit off in the head. And if you don't know by now, I'll confess, I'm a bit off in the head.

But this was fun. We'll be putting it to music soon and singing it. Until then, I'd like to know your thoughts on a proper title. I have a few ideas, but want to see what you can come up with:

Slower:
I dreamed a liquid dance
And danced a golden dream
of cherry blossom cheeks
And super nova powers that taste like cream

Digging deep rather than digging wide
our secret confessions and that
stellar explosion inside

woo ooh ooh (or something like it)
woo ooh ooh

Faster:
What a chance for romance, you
Know I like making love.
Like Alobar and Kudra
With the perfume of a jitterbug.
In the light of the dawn, in the
Dawn of the day we'd still
have secrets to spare,
and skin to skin shows how much we care.
Holding your hand with the palm staring up at me.
The lines run deep like stellar streams,
They tell tales of cherry blossom cheeks,
And super nova powers that taste like cream

This is the song you'd write me
If you wrote songs
These are the words you'd say
If words came that way
This is the life you'd paint
if living were art, but your colors
have faded from my redblue heart

A guilty god watches over me,
And the Paris wind freezes our liquid dream,
But I have the cherry blossom cheeks
And I'm the super nova that tastes like cream.

Parisian Wardrobe

2009-02-15T12:59:00.006-07:00

I've been carefully planning my summer elegance in Paris. Despite all the amazing people I am going to meet, the beautiful kisses I am going to have, and the divine inspiration of creativity that will pepper every minute, I've also been carefully buying summer dresses on sale during the cold winter months. I'll have to take some photos to show you, but this one is the latest purchase (and probably the final one) and I have to stay, I'll be pretty stunning in it as I walk around the warm city with my hair pulled back, my big sunglasses on, and a baguette in my hand.

Post Script:

I picked this one up for said Romantic Evenings. Don't worry, I've already got the red lipstick and the shoes.

Now let's just hope my hair flies about my face and body to the perfection of a VS model :)

The Root of the Root

2009-02-15T11:27:00.002-07:00

I like to revisit the past as much as I love thinking about my future as much as I am in complete and utter adoration of my present.

I was flipping through an old book my mom brought out and found my breath taken away by this collection of photos of the grandmother I am named for, Virginia. I love everything about it, from her hair and hat, to the gentle way that she must have had that smile spread across her face as the camera flashed. I wonder what she was thinking. I wonder if she knew how beautiful she was. I wonder if she knew that she would one day have a granddaughter like me. I wonder if she knew how far reaching her life and actions would have on so many different parts of the world as her children and grandchildren have given service and love across the globe from England to Hong Kong to Samoa to Africa to Brazil...

Can any of us truly know the times and seasons of the moments we are living and breathing?

"All that you have of body and mind will be transmitted through you to the generations yet to come."

Gordon B. Hinckley

Money, Money, Money

2009-02-10T16:15:00.005-07:00

Money and relationships. Can the two go together? They usually do. To form a relationship-- one (or both of you) is spending money to make that happen. Dinner, movies, concerts, museums. Who is paying for all of these things? Should we share it? Should they pay for it at the beginning? How fair is that??!

But then again.....

I was raised to expect the man to pay for me. I was raised to expect him to open the door. I was raised to expect him to carry my bags and books and groceries. And old habits die hard. And I am a hypocrite because I want a relationship not tied to gender specific roles (in some cases), and yet I find myself tied to some of these archaic practices myself. I don't want to change my last name when I get married. I want a husband who doesn't mind if I work. I want a spouse who will share the dinner making responsibilites. I want a spouse who is equally responsible for raising our children together. I want all of these things, and yet, I still want him to open the door for me. I think I must be crazy, right?

I'm trying to let go of these unrealistic expectations...but old habits die hard.

I've had some modern day experiences with money lately that have made me feel uncomfortable at first, and then wonder if it should have made me feel uncomfortable at all. It's this entire unknown universe still seeking definition! Because of this, I find myself over-analyzing money everytime I go on dates. I am never sure what I should do/pay for/or offer as I don't want to offend/assume/or exploit.

Up until last year, all my boyfriends (yep, all four of them in the course of my days) and all previous dates I had been on, just paid for me. I never had any weird experiences like my sister April, where the guy asked her out for dinner and then his card was declined (after he ordered several drinks, appetizer, dessert, and she had only ordered a side salad because she wasn't that hungry. She ended up having to pay for dinner AND drive his car home because he got too drunk to drive!). Even after they stopped being my boyfriends and we would just hang out as friends, they still ALWAYS paid for me. Men in my past just paid for me. Is this fair? Is this right?

I've met two different types of men lately:

Summary of Guy #1: He treated me with old fashion gender roles, opening my door, pulling out my chair, helping me with my coat--but still wanted to split the money. So yes, we split the money, but this man would be the breadwinner and I would stay home with the kids and cook and clean. If he is expecting the gender roles, then should he be paying for the dates?

Summary of Guy #2: He treated me with modern gender roles. We are both people and we should show equal respect, so whoever gets to the door first should open it, that's logic. So, yes, we split the money, but this man would also split the cleaning and the cooking and the raising of the kids.

Which is better? What do I expect? What do I want? I don't know!!

I think the thing that I get so worried about is for a man to think I am dating him BECAUSE he has money, or that I even care about MONEY at all. This makes me paranoid. Especially when the man makes more money than I do (which most of them do, because, hey, I'm a poor Utah School teacher). Should it still be 50/50 when one of you makes a considerable amount of money and the other is as poor as a church mouse?

With my recent dates, I find myself offereing to help pay, but none of them have accepted and they have all been paying. Should this bother me? Does that mean they are going to want me to act in a traditional way? Are they not even thinking about it because it's just expected of them? AGH!!!!! Dating is HARD!?! Should I step up and insist on helping out?

How did you handle this when you were/are dating?

Alela Diane and her Slightly Psychedelic Band

2009-02-08T08:00:00.001-07:00

Artist: Alela Diane

Album: To Be Still

Release Date: Feb. 17, 2009

Hey music fans! Do you like being put into a trance? A dance trance? A trance where you may or may not end up wearing natural fibers and chewing on a piece of hay as you sit around the fire and smoke something? If so, then Alela Diane's latest album, To Be Still, is the album for you. And yet, don't overlook these melodies as simple campfire songs. If there is one thing that Diane's two albums have shown the world, it's the fact that she is capable of a delicate and haunting compilation of music tracks.

Alela Diane came on the music scene with her simple self-release of The Pirate's Gospel in 2004 (revamped and rereleased in 2006). She caused a rippling effect throughout America, that landed her in Europe where her success and talent have continued to grow. Raised in Nevada City, California, and currently living in Portland, Oregon, Alela Diane is classified in the Psych Folk and New Weird America genres because her meditative lyrics are earthy and natural and her sound combines a trance-like compilation of simple instruments. She is most often compared to Jolie Holland, Josephine Foster, and let's not forget The Be Good Tanyas.

Her follow-up album has been long awaited and much anticipated. But is it worth the wait? Yes. Sort of. No, it really is, but I have some explaining to do. Her first album boasted the amazing title track "The Pirate's Gospel" with a sing-songy "Yo ho yo ho" and a deeper, stronger voice than she shows us in this current album. She just seemed to have more spunk, more energy, more attitude, and more to prove than she does in To Be Still, and maybe this is to her credit. Perhaps the first album was the artistic expression of a girl who had to show the world what she was made of (and we liked it), and her second album is the artistic expression of a woman who is whole and complete. While weighing in at only 25 years old, her voice contains the cadence, pitch, wisdom, and soul of a much older woman, and I just like that. I like that she knows who she is. I like that she wrote every track and every lyric. I like that her voice gives you unexpected sweeps and lurches, almost like sailing on temperamental waves. She has intense diction, and that's rare. I like that her simple symphony sings you to sleep, ahem, in a good way. It's just a calming album. Sit on your porch, relax, and take it in. If your looking for that intensity that the first album made you feel down in your gut, you're just not going to find it here.

"Age Old Blues," with its interwoven harmonies, simple tale of field workers, and quick guitar will be a fan favorite. Also noteworthy is the Celtic feel of "The Alder Trees" as her vocals truly soar and her arrangements are powerful. Yes, those two will be the favorites of the album, but I have to say that I became more awake when I listened to "The Ocean". The powerful drum, the female seeker of truth, "the sunset by the sea is in her mind and she was always hopin' to someday to leave the mountain, domestic chores and children, the darkness of winter. Painting all these mermaids wandering to the seashore. She wanted him to follow, but his heart was with the hillside. In spirit, she drifted to the ocean" just made me feel like I had been sung a good tale.

When asked about the creative journey in producing this album, Alela Diane said, "It began in Portland, OR and was finished in scatters between tours at my dad's home studio in Nevada City, CA. I wanted to record this collection of songs using arrangements which would represent them in their finest form. These songs requested more instrumental filigree than those on The Pirate's Gospel. It was challenging to delicately, yet purposefully incorporate instrumentation into songs that I was so used to singing by myself. I was determined to make it work, because I wanted percussion! I wanted to hear the lonesome bow of the violin! I heard many harmonies in my head, and so I set out to capture them."

Well, Alela, I think you succeeded with what you set out to do.

Can Boys REALLY be Boys?

2009-02-06T11:07:00.007-07:00

How have we defined the male in society? Is it fair? Is it just as full of loopholes and stereotypes and judgment as those definitions are for the feminine?

In a recent class with my seniors, we were discussing traditional gender roles verses the modern variations. In writing out their feelings, one of my amazing male students wrote the following:

"Guys in the media are portrayed as screwups. These days I feel like men are victimized by the media . It's frustrating because while there's a level of sexism on either side, it seems that generalizations of men are taken a lot more lightly."

I have to agree with this. How many of us women get angered or spat back quick and sharp (and in some cases witty) retorts when any type of stereotypical comment is made. BUT, I can find myself resorting to trite and blanket statements like, "Men!" (as I shake my fist in anger) and many other colorful variations along that train of thought. And I receive no repercussions because no man would dare to tell me NOT to subject him to a traditional gender role-esque angered comment (really, they wouldn't dare, I can get scary).

And yet, how many of my friends, when figuring out if they can go out for a night sans children have to ask their husbands to "babysit". Um, what? Explain that one to me. Why are YOU raising them and your HUSBAND babysitting them?

How many times does the mother worry leaving *her* baby with the husband for more than a few hours at a time. Like he isn't as capable of loving or nurturing his own child as much as she is??!! I find this completely insulting. If you don't think your husband is smart enough and capable enough to watch your child, then why did you reproduce with him?

The following is a list of topics worthy of discussion (taken from this post). I think that these ingrained mindsets are just as hard for us to break down in society as the fact that all women were meant to be stay at home wives and mothers.

The Myth of Male Weakness, where they are taught that they can not control their baser urges, are seen as untrustworthy (a man with my children? scary), somehow defective, and punished far more severely than a woman for the same offenses (statistically true).

The Myth(s) of Masculinity, where they are taught that real boys and true men only feel anger and desire, not love nor fear nor tenderness nor embarrassment nor giddiness. For shame.

The Superiority of Maleness, where they are taught that girly things are embarrassing and inferior, pink and tutus and dolls and feelings are to be held in the lowest of contempt.

The Culture of Cruelty, where boys are tortured and physically abused and emotionally isolated both by their peers and by adults unless/until they conform to expectations of masculinity.

Doesn’t sound like a barrel full of happy fun to me.

In my world of feminism, I've discovered that I also care (almost equally) about masculism. While I will always fight for equal treatment of women, I think that this should not overshadow the fact that more of my male students are failing, more of them are lost, and more of them feel pretty hopeless or apathetic about life.

The Audacity of Soap

2009-02-03T13:47:00.003-07:00

Just one of the beauties of living in a Capitalist society.

Flesh

2009-02-02T13:11:00.002-07:00

When are we going to learn how beautiful we all are?

Tonight: Franz Ferdinand

2009-01-31T19:10:00.005-07:00

If you didn't know, I write music reviews for inyourspeakers. Thought I'd start sharing them here for anyone who likes to be in the know, now.

Turn it on. Turn on the dance moves. Turn on the techo beat. Turn on the sound of a reinvented Franz Ferdinand. In the third album from the Glasgow-based band, Tonight: Franz Ferdinand makes a new statement for the world of pop (but wait, you were expecting indie-rock, weren't you? So was I). The question for the listener then becomes, did Franz need to be reinvented in the first place? No? No. And yet, despite the deviation from my expectations, there was still a little somethin' somethin' that I liked about this album.

Tonight: Franz Ferdinand marks a departure from the Post-Punk sounds that gave the band their first taste for fame and embraces an eclectic conglomeration of sounds and inspirations. The entire album, excluding the final track, is full of an electronic streak as well as beats and sounds echoing Jamaican reggae and other influences. All of this works together to create the perfect atmosphere for a club. Thankfully, what remains consistent with all three of Franz Ferdinand's albums is the groups talent for finding that danceable rhythm we crave. This album just takes the dance beat and puts it in the spotlight while the lyrics take a bit of a back seat.

While the album is very danceable, it also grows slightly stale by song five. The lyrics vacillate from witty to irreverent to their characteristic deadpan humor, but the first five songs of the album feel so much alike the they could have been made into one long dance party song. This might be the biggest complaint from FF fans. Without paying attention to the lyrics and the subtle differences of the album, it would be easy to say that one song is hard to distinguish from the next. Drummer, Paul Thomson, keeps a steady and yet similar beat throughout the album. This might not necessarily be a bad thing as the beat is strong, the sound is clear, the feeling is intense, and the album itself plays nicely through as a whole. And yet, by the end of it, you feel slightly less than satisfied because it was like they were trying a little too hard to impress and didn't quite succeed. I wanted to be surprised and I wasn't, and yet, I wanted to dance and I did.

The albums first release was "Lucid Dreams" and remains one of the albums highlights. The song is a journey in and of itself, lasting almost eight minutes, with the last three being devoted completely to an electronic symphony that many will find as pure bliss to the ears (I personally didn't, but I'm different that way). The lyrics echo an idea of finding truth and love and meaning when the definition of all three are just out of reach, or might only be able to come to fruition in your dreams. As Alex starts out with his singular sound posing the idea of "I'm gonna give my aimless love, my angry heart, my desire. I woke with wings from lucid dreams, I knew the reason I felt hollow was that I may never know if there is some great truth or not." What is the truth of the album? Much of it revolves around real love, first love, fake love, pick up lines and cigarettes.

One of the most danceable and sexy songs on the album is "No You Girls." Alex starts out with the words "Kiss Me"...not really a request as much as it is a command (one that I would HAPPILY oblige, by the way). It poses the same scenario as "Katherine Kissed Me" which is the final track and the only song on the album not injected with a techo beat. It's a revisit of a typical ballad, but better because it's by Franz Ferdinand. Both songs address men who fall in love with girls who show little, if any, interest. Both songs pose the question of getting a girl to think of the situation of wanting a first kiss from a man's perspective. It's all very sensitive, very sweet, and yes, you do start to wonder "how the boy feels." Yet again, you wonder what the fascination is with all these women smoking their cigarettes and looking to the men with a sense of boredom instead of urgency.

"Ulysses", the title track on the album is synth-heavy and clever. Much of the song is dependent on Alex Kapranos's whispery and sexy vocals, he just sounds good. He just sounds original, and he just has a sound that I want to obey. For that reason alone the album is worth a listen or two.

Tonight: Franz Ferdinand is full on dance club material. People will gather. People will grind. People will forget the woes of a long work week by listening, and yet, when they listen closely, they'll find that nothing really caught them off guard about the whole event.

On Repeat...

2009-01-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

I love finding new love on a quiet, foggy, soggy Saturday morning.

The Word forms the Sentence

2009-01-21T20:01:00.004-07:00

We have overcome.

Except those of us now in Gaza. Except those of us whom police kill. Except those of us who are suspects. Except those of us whom the church hate. Except those of us damned to taste good. Except those of us held by fate. We are meeting in the capitol. Word is, freedom will not wait.

All that once was never shall be.
All they could do won’t be done.
All we sang of is now happening.

~Words by Saul Williams

I've been in New York this weekend. Taking a break from the city found me up in Hamilton (think Star's Hallow from Gilmore Girls) where Colgate University is located. My friend, Landon, is a professor there. He took me to a Def Poetry reading on MLK Day. Featured at the reading were Joe Hernandez-Kolski, Beau Sia, and Saul Williams. After the reading ended, all of us (including Landon's brother Geoffrey, and his roommate Ernest--and YES, it was lovely to be that outnumbered by amazing men) sat around the lobby of the tiny Colgate Inn and talked.

the passion,

the voices,

the drive,

the talent,

the intelligence,

the being,

the presence,

the awareness,

the fight,

the power

within each of the men I spent that evening with made it one of the most remarkable evenings of my life.

I hope you have time to give a look at some of what these men of words do with their voices.

Have you realized the power of your voice recently? How?

%@!*&%#!!!!!!

2009-01-11T21:22:00.004-07:00

I just realized that the Golden Globes were on tonight. Yeah, you see what time I am posting this? I MISSED THEM?!? How did that happen?!!!???

Did anyone I know, in this vicinity, DVR it or TiVo or any of those other rad items that I don't have? I'll make it worth your while. I really will. Seriously, I will. I know people. I have connections.

A cliche is, in and of itself, cliche

2009-01-11T14:53:00.007-07:00

Have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of a cliche?

As a girl who values originality, authenticity, differences, variety, and the unknown, it came as quite a shock to realize that sometimes situations laden with cliche circumstances just float into your life when least expected (and you realize that you have become one of those annoying people you used to scowl at. ugh.) And yet, you've never felt anything less cliche in your life?

Have you ever experienced the old cliche of knowing someone for a week and feeling like it's been forever? Have you ever talked to someone for the first time and it was like it has been a regular part of your routine? How does that happen? What creates those connections? What makes it happen? Have you ever found yourself thinking a new thought, one you NEVER thought before, and yet it just sits right with your bones? These thoughts, these peoples, these deja vu moments...where do they reside within you before you actually know them? What's the germination period? When is the inception? Are we pregnant with these moments and then at uneventful times they are just born?

Is there an inner voice of knowledge that speaks to us of things we may have never known out loud? But when we finally hear its voice, we recognize it as being a deep part of ourselves?

What is the best way to write your life story? For me, the best lives begin and continue and end with love, all types of love, because, when you think about it, love comes directly from our deepest integrity. When you love, you honor and respect life. When you live your life with love, honor, and respect, the story you create for your life is an ongoing romance. Is it true that "all you need is love?" To love life is to enjoy every manifestation of life, and it might be more effortless than I ever thought. I had this belief that things worth fighting for, certain relationships, certain jobs, certain experiences were just going to be hard. That was the deal. That was what I was taught to believe. Play games. Work it. Make rules. Play by the rules. Do things this way for these results. Strategize.

And then, something good comes along and it is as effortless as inhaling and exhaling....and you get blown away by the simplicity of just breathing.

Katherine's Bridals

2009-01-03T15:42:00.003-07:00

The bridals of the most beautiful Katherine are now up at the photo blog. Take a look. She is marrying one of my FAVORITE people in March, and I just can't be happier for the two of them. They are amazing individuals and as a couple, they are out of this world.

My Story and Yours

2009-01-01T20:33:00.009-07:00

New Years Eve has come and gone. I went to a swanky party and decided to wear this little number on my head. I got it at Urban Outfitters back in the Summer and I have NEVER worn it because I get self conscious to be that fashionable out in ole Salt Lake City. But I threw caution to the wind and decided to just wear it because I think it's pretty, even if everyone else would mock (which they didn't, and they all probably secretly wished they had one too!)

MY NEW YEAR THEOLOGY

Life in this physical body is VERY short, even if we live to be 100. When I think about this, I have to conclude that I want to waste NO time creating conflict with people I love. I want to REALLY love people for who they are on a day to day basis. I want to enjoy them, and I have learned (in a VERY REAL way this year) that I do this by loving them for who they ARE....not what they BELIEVE. The stories that each of you create for your lives is not what is most important to me. YOU are important to me.

Let me explain.

I don't care if my mother's story doesn't agree with mine (which it doesn't at all, we are VERY different, and she would like me to be her perfect little mormon girl again, in a big way). I love my mother, I enjoy her. I have learned not to impose my story upon her (ie, I think she needs to do this and that and be liberated in this way and explore these thoughts). I don't want to impose my story on anybody. I respect my mother. I respect her path. I listen to her story, and I don't make it wrong.

I have also learned (IN A VERY BIG WAY) that if other people try to write your story, it means they don't respect you. They don't respect you because they don't consider that you are in tune with yourself to know what your story should be, even if it goes against everything in their story. But listen up, I was born to write my own story, and so were you and you know what WE ARE BOTH RIGHT.

I now respect myself so much that I am NOT going to allow anybody else (or my desire to please them or feel accepted by them) to write my story. My story is my responsibility. It's my creation. I am the artist. I respect my own art. I can compare my art with other people's art, but I make my own choices, and I take responsibility for my creation.

I'll be doing a series of posts in the coming days about Creating our Stories....so stayed tuned.

CHRISTMAS RECAP---IF YOU CARE TO KNOW
Christmas Eve: April and I dressed up in legwarmers, fingerless gloves (I'm wearing those), popped open a can of tab, put blue eye shadow on our eyes and made one awesome music video (which I will NEVER post here and will NEVER show anyone!) But the memories that night created are priceless. We get most of our moves from the ending scene of Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
The above photo is why April is my best friend in the ENTIRE world. This girl plays along with whatever I create, and vice versa.

We bought these hats three years ago on a random late night shopping spree to Target. It was during our "Jackie Kennedy Phase" as we called it. However, even though these are hats not usually worn in public, we both vowed to wear them EVERY Christmas day, no matter where we are going, who we are seeing, or what we are doing. And we do so without apology or explanation, though she usually gets all the Jackie Kennedy references and people ask me what part of Russia I am from.

One more time in black and white, cause it's just classy....(and Shoog, this counts as my self portrait, yes?)

Stephanie's Bridals

2008-12-31T14:19:00.004-07:00

Steph and I braved the cold yesterday to take some bridals for her before the big day! You can check out the whole event here.

The Great Koko--What a W-O-MAN!!!!

2008-12-30T21:58:00.003-07:00

Ok, all you W-O-MEN out there. You need to go to your computer (wait, you're reading this, so you're already there, excellent!) and you need to download Koko Taylor's all time marvelous song "I'm a Woman" and you need to blast it while singing and dancing to it at the top of your lungs (preferably while you are making dinner so that you can use that wooden spoon as the microphone it was always meant to be.)

And then, you'll be just how I was tonight.

Yep, while making my dinner, I found my theme song for the year. I only found one small video of it on youtube, but honestly, I think little Raven Simone has about as much attitude at 4 as it took me 31 years to get. I have a slightly better groove, only cause my curves are right....

SERIOUSLY, IT'S THE MOST FUN YOU'LL HAVE ALL EVENING!!!!!

When I was a little girl Only twelve years old
Couldn't do nothing
to save my dog gone soul
My mama told me.
the day I was grown
She says "Sing the blues child, Sing it from now on".

I'm a woman,
oh yeah
I'm a woman, I'm a ball of fire
I'm a woman, I can make love to a crocodile
I'm a woman, I can sing the blues
I'm a woman, I can change old to new
Spell w o man,
Oh yeah
That means I'm grown

I'm a woman, I'm a rushing wind
I'm a woman, I can cut stone with a pin
I'm a woman, I'm a love maker
I'm a woman, you know I'm an earth shaker

SOLO

I'm a woman, I'm a rushing wind
I'm a woman, I can cut stone with a pin
I'm a woman, I know my stuff
I'm a woman, I ain't never had enough

I'm going down yonder, behind the sun
I'm gonna do something for you, that ain't never been done
I'm gonna hold back the lightning, with the palm of my hand
Shake hands with the devil, make him crawl in the sand

I'm a woman, oh yeah
I'm a woman,
I'm a ball of fire
I'm a woman,
I can make love to a crcodile
I'm a woman,
I'm a love maker
I'm a woman,
you know I'm an earth shaker
OH oh oh oh
I'm a woman

Streaks of Skin

2008-12-29T14:43:00.003-07:00

Make sure to keep your eye on the painting blog over the next week, there will be a series of paintings posted all about slipping into your skin. Hallelujah!!

Hello July

2008-12-28T19:51:00.004-07:00

2009 is all aligned for amazing things. It's in the stars, but more importantly, it is in ME.

I wanted to share with you my AMAZING apartment that I have secured for the month of July. Yes, for the month of July I will eat, sleep, and drink in Paris. I will speak and kiss in French. I will write by day and find at least 4 (one per week, is that a good goal?) French beauties to walk, talk, smile and flirt and sparkle with (with a hell-of-alot-a French kissing thrown in). I will enjoy being young, being talented, and being alive. I'm livin' all I can right now, but it would be hard not to admit that July has captured my heart.

Hello July.

My Phoenix Flames

2008-12-27T21:29:00.004-07:00

A phoenix is a mythical bird with a tail of beautiful gold and red plumage. It has a 600-800 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix, reborn anew to live again.

The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible — it is also said that it can heal a person with a tear from its eyes and make them temporarily immune to death; It is a symbol of fire and divinity.

This has been my year of the phoenix. This has been a year that all I knew and all I was went up in flames. December has been a month of seeing my life rise up in flames and swirl down into gray-white ashes, floating around me, with no chance of using them to rebuild anything.

Today was the day that I came out of those ashes reborn.

Today is the day that I leave all that this year brought to me exactly in the past, where it belongs. It was complete, it was perfect. Each person, each one of you, each moment that I shared with others this year was just as they should have been.

I've been thinking about the human tendency to get stuck in the past or to live in the future. We are the only animals that do this. Think of a lion on the hunt. If he missed his prey, does the Lion sit back, and think about what he should have done differently "Oh, man, I should have zigged when I zagged. Or I should have gone the other way. I'm a failure. I'll never catch anything." Does the Lion get caught up in the past, in the what ifs and never hunt again. Does the Lion bring on his own death with his paralyzing fear? No, the Lion gets right back on track and keeps going until he's gotten his dinner.

That's something I've learned about myself, no matter what life serves up...I'll keep rising. It's the phoenix inside of me.

I'm letting go of the definitions that held me to me. I'm no longer defined by a religion. I'm no longer defined by my degrees or education. I'm no longer defined by the trips I've taken or the things I've seen. I'm no longer defined by any of these things. For it is only when we stop placing ourselves in the boxes that have defined us that we realize we are free of confinements, and free to fly.

I am new, I am reborn. I am a phoenix.

Oh yeah, and I'm back....big time.

Joyce & Company

2008-12-24T01:27:00.003-07:00

For Joyce's snowy family photo shoot, please go here.

Slip Into Your Skin

2008-12-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

Time is getting faster, can you feel it? Emotions are governed more by techonology than they are by actual interactions with people.

What used to take our ancestors a few weeks to get a reply to (like a love letter)--takes us a second. One second. People connect with each other in virtual worlds now more than ever. Does this result in virtual realities? Virtual assumptions? Virtual opinions? Virtual selves? While a minute is still only 60 seconds long, about a million more things are now able to come to pass in a minute in 2008, then there was in 1888. Time is speeding up, do you feel it? These photographs posted here show that clearly....our new ability to catch a tiny nano of space and time...and capture it forever. Does this mean our feelings are more virtual?

This morning I woke up to the feeling that my bed was shaking. I felt it. I thought it was an earthquake. And my first thoughts about this supposedly happening disaster were not normal. I actually felt a small sense of relief. I actually wanted most of my things to be destroyed so I could be free of them all. With that destruction would come a newfound freedom. I have felt tied to Utah. Tied to my furniture and belongings. I want them all to go away somehow. That's not normal, is it? Of course, as we all read each others blogs, we know that the word normal is more a myth and idea than an actual truth. But, I was still a bit baffled by my reaction.

So what is my truth? I've lost my religion this year. I've lost friends. I've lost foundations and ideas that all used to make my life make sense. Why is it that part of me feels like it's time for marriage and children, and the other part of me feels like I should shave my head of this blond mass that many use to define me and that I should go on a pilgrimage of sorts? But, it would be aimless wanderings, yes? Because, honestly, I'm not even sure what I am looking for or where I want to go.

The one call I hear is Paris. This past week confirmed to me that it was time to go back for more than just a few days. So, I have decided one thing. I'm saving now to spend a month in Paris next summer. The month of July will find me in an apartment in Paris, writing a book. No other connections but Paris and the characters that have been yearning to be created.

So, yeah, I've been in a weird place all year. A place that isn't fully me. A place where I feel like I have to figure things out. Figure things out. Make sense of things. Decide my future. And it's left me, in this final month of December, quite melancholy and lost. And this pressure of time. The daily mirror reminders that I am getting closer to death, that in fact, each second that I am alive, I am, in fact, dying too. The shaking of my bed, the dependence on virtual friends, the lonely echos of my footsteps along a dark sidewalk in my small neighborhood. All of these are reminders of something I have forgotten, or I never knew, or maybe part of me knows but hasn't told the other part of me. Can you have secrets from yourself?

I've been addicted to Regina Spektor, listening to her over and over and over again. There is her song, On the Radio, and the lyrics say,

This is how it works

You're young unitl your not

You love until you don't

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breath

until their dying breath

No this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

and try to love the things you took

And you take that love you made

And stick it into someone elses heart

pumpin' someone elses blood

And walk arm and arm

And hope you don't get harmed

And even if you do, you'll do it all again....

I don't think that the lyrics only mean people in romantic love. I think any kind of love requires putting some of our hearts into someone elses. I just like that idea at Christmas time.

I finally figured things out this morning. What I figured out is that I don't have a damn thing figured out and that that is going to have to be enough for now. What I think I will do, however, is use these next few weeks to really connect to the real people around me. The living, breathing, growing old, humming, singing, dancing, crying, sobbing, blue, and red, and green, and yellow people around me.

So, I'm signing off for the rest of the year friends, and I'm going to try and slip into my skin fully...or figure out how to make the skin I have on right now fit a little better.

Merry Christmas.

No Christmas For Me...

2008-12-07T10:58:00.005-07:00

Every year I find a new Christmas song that speaks to me. Why do they always tend to be a bit melancholy? I don't know what that says about me. I found this one by Zee Avi (formerly Koko Kaina) and I can't stop listening to it.

Here is a link to see the artist singing it, I highly recommend going here (it wouldn't let me embed it)....if not, take a listen to the video below.

Other songs on my Christmas Listening Mix:

White Christmas--Otis Redding version

Christmas--Rogue Wave

Frosty the Snowman--Fiona Apple

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen--Barenaked Ladies

Santa Baby--Eartha Kit

Winter Song--Ingrid Michaelson

Baby, It's Cold Outside--Dean Martin

Let it Snow--Michael Buble

Oh Holy Night--Jewel

What is your favorite Christmas song right now?

Why Scream....when a Whisper will do?

2008-12-04T09:50:00.006-07:00

Why scream, when a whisper will do? There are two ways I could talk about Paris...as I have before, with grand, articulate methods of adoration...OR...as I will today, in a calm, private whisper. Paris and I got reaquainted in quite ways. Walks up the Champs Elysees, sitting in a park watching the buslte, the creaking of the Louvre floors as I ventured up to my favorite Vermeer painting to have a conversation with the details of his art. I walked by this Grand Roule (big wheel) each day I was in Paris. It illuminated me.

Eating a succulent pear with the juice running down my arm as I slice it. Searching for a perfect baguette on a Sunday morning. Leaving my camera behind for the most part, and taking personal photos with my own memory. A cold, quiet walk through the cemetery on a rainy day. Looking out the window at the rooftops of Parisian apartments and feeling at home. Speaking French with everyone (I speak like a Canadian, apparently, at least that is what people kept telling me.) I took a stroll up the Christmas-Ready Champs Elysees almost nightly, taking in the Marche de Noel and watching the French be French.

Arriving in Paris, I immerged from a metro stop just by my favorite arc, in front of the Louvre, on Thanksgiving day-- feeling more grateful than I have in a long time. Paris is my friend, my confidant, my companion, my home, my seasons, my secret. Paris and I had long conversations. Paris and I understand one another. Paris and I take things slowly. Paris and I are grateful the other exists.

Oh dey foof!!

2008-11-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

I used to speak French like a native (well, close to it) and now I fear that I speak French like Joey from "Friends". It will be quiet interesting to see how I get around Paris this week. Hopefully, I'll be able to get my quiche, baguette, and chocolat chaud without any problems!!

I've been trying to read blogs and get caught up before I leave, but to no avail!! I promise to get all caught up with your beautiful lives when I get back!

Paris, here I come!

Steph & Scott

2008-11-22T23:36:00.004-07:00

One of my DEAREST friends in all the world is getting married! And I couldn't be happier for her!! It was such an honor to take their engagement photos today. The laughter, the love, the serenading (thanks Scott, that was memorable!) and every moment of seeing the two of them together just confirmed what I already knew...sometimes love just works, sometimes it's just easy, sometimes you just sit back and savor the time when you can be in the presence of two people in love!

Congratulations you guys!!!!

Joyeux Noel

2008-11-20T18:39:00.011-07:00

April, Dottie, and I decorated the tree on Sunday.

I've had these same decorations for 12 years--hard to believe! I am big on tradition.

"There is a deep malaise in society. We can send email and faxes anywhere in the world, we have pagers and cellular phones, and yet in our families and neighborhoods we do not speak to each other. We need roots to be able to stand straight and grow strong. When we respect our blood ancestors and our spiritual ancestors, we feel rooted. If we can find ways to cherish and develop our heritage, we will avoid the kind of alienation that is destroying society, we will become whole again."

I have a crazy collection of ragtag ornaments that I have collected from all over the world.

Here is my Shakespeare from Stratford-Upon-Avon and my Big Ben from London.

"True love needs mindfulness. We have to take the time to acknowledge the presence of the person we love. "Darling, I know you are there, and I am happy." This cannot be done if we can't free ourselves from our preoccupations and our forgetfulness. In order to acknowledge the presence of our beloved one, we have to offer our own true presence. Without the practice of establishing ourselves in the here and the now, this seems impossible. Mindful time spent with the person we love is the fullest expression of true love and real generosity."

"In the Psalms, it says "Be still and know that I am God." "Be still" means to become peaceful and concentrated. The Buddhist term is samatha (stopping, calming, concentrating). "Know" means to acquire wisdom, insight, or understanding. The Buddhist term is vipasyana (insight, or looking deeply). "Looking deeply" means observing something or someone with so much concentration that the distinction between observer and observed disappears. The result is insight into the true nature of the object."

Here are George and Martha Washington. I got them from a Mount Vernon road trip with April.

"Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. To me, this is the most essential practice of peace."

Our finished project.

Happy Christmas Season Everyone! While our world is in tumult, mabye we can find ways to foster peace and calm in our lives and in the lives of those around us. Much Love.

**Quotes from Living Buddha, Living Christ

"To Have a Voice, You Have to Listen"

2008-11-18T16:59:00.004-07:00

"It's the easiest thing in the world to demonize those who have different opinions than you. It is much harder to actually walk in their shoes."

On Saturday, Stina and I went to see Anderson Cooper deliver a speech entitled, "Reflections on the Journalist's Role in Presidential Elections and on World Events." I was so impressed with his speech (and his suit, and his piercing blue eyes, and his dreamy white hair....oh, oops, I digress) that I took out my program and began jotting notes and ideas and reflections down. I wanted to share a few of them here with you, and they aren't in any comprehensible order, but I thought them worthy of a discussion.

WARNING--SOME OF THIS MAY BE HARSH TO HEAR--

Cooper, perhaps more than most Americans today, has been witness to some of the most atrocious acts of human cruelty. He has seen the genocide of Rowanda and the current devastation in the Congo, just to name a few. When listening to his tales, I sat and contemplated the seeds that lie within each of us that we choose to foster or not. There are seeds of evil and seeds of good. How do we decide which to foster? How do we remember to choose the good? How can we work more towards a unity than towards constant division?

What is the power of information?

Why do we seem content, as a nation, to focus on the frivolities of news, instead of that which is truly newsworthy? The stakes in American history have never been higher--look at the Middle East, especially Afghanistan--what forces are shaping what goes on there? In this age of instant information--where are you getting YOUR information? Who is slanting it? Has the information you are reading been checked and double checked? Information is one of the most powerful forces on earth today- and it is OUR responsibility to make sure that we are getting the right information (ahem...Obama is a Terrorist was a big fallacy that I received in so many email forwards this past year I about tore my hair out!!)

The government may fail us here, but as individuals, we can find truth and facts.

Why must we be so divided?

We each tend to lean towards a political viewpoint. I didn't post a lot of political blogs during the election, because I tend to internalize my viewpoints a lot. I do not affiliate myself with either party. I do not claim Republican or Democrat (ok, sometimes I do, because in Utah, it's just fun to play Devil's Advocate to so many blind sided Republicans)--you'd probably be surprised for some of the people I voted for over the course of my life, but somehow I have always been able to see both sides of an argument. (And this doesn't feel like a virtue, it feels like a curse because I have THE HARDEST time making decisions)--But here is a question--why does their have to be a Republican Truth and a Democratic Truth? Why do so many choose to see life through their view of the truth--when it is really only a limited lense (this extends beyond politics, doesn't it?) I've always tried to focus more on FACT than on OPINION--and truthfully, most talk shows, most radio shows, most of every type of media slants it's group of facts with a bit of opinion.

What happens when Tragedy Strikes You?

So many disasters cover the globe on a daily basis. All of us want to believe that this tragedies will never touch us, but they can, they most likely will, and in a split second, our worlds will change. This is what the word "FRAILTY" means. And I think it is our ability to recognize our frailty that makes us see our humanity more clearly. Cooper talked of what is going on in the CONGO--in the past ten years, six million people have been killed in the Congo alone. Cooper has witnessed first hand the very specific "War against Women" as he referred to it. Rape is being used as a weapon, as a means of control, as a means of keeping women down. He has interviewed several women recently who have been victims of the newest trend in crime. It appears that men, or groups of men, will rape a woman, and then insert a gun into her vagina and then pull the trigger. And the amazing part, several of these women are surviving, but their lives are ruined, and their bodies are ruined.

Why did he share these stories? To remind us of the fleetingness of life. To remind us that we lose sight of lives that are different from ours.

It's not pretty to hear, is it?

So, do we ignore it?

Do we send money to help?

What is our responsibility here?

What, really, is there for me to do?

Wouldn't it be better just to not pay attention to these stories?

That's what America seems to think. The stories that get told to the general public are the stories that get the highest ratings. These are not stories about the Congo, they are not stories about global warming...it's stories about Paris Hilton and the latest James Bond movie....

RATINGS are the greatest threat to news coverage!!!

And apparently, as a people, we could all start there, couldn't we? Couldn't we all start with a dedication to turn off the crap and demand to be told the stories that maybe we should be rallying around?

Torrey & Judd

2008-11-17T19:55:00.004-07:00

Yesterday I was able to take photos of a couple of my FAVORITE people! Almost a year ago I was able to photograph their wedding, and to see them a year later, still full of love (it's so obvious!) and energy (enough to spare) and vibrance and laughter and just about everything else two people in love should have was awesome. It was SO MUCH fun to spend an afternoon taking these amazing photos of Judd & Torrey (seriously folks, they are the MOST photogenic couple). Also, they really make you want to fall in love...sigh. Thanks guys! And you're helping kids in India at the same time!!

Theo & Grandma

2008-11-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

I went with Stina and Dave to take some photos of Theo with his grandma. I think the two of them together are breathtaking. Check them out!

I have a HOT date on Friday....

2008-11-13T19:45:00.001-07:00

With the ONE man who will always love me, no matter what. Nope, it's not Daniel Craig...it's my Dad. He's taking me out on a date this Friday. And, boy, do we bond over the new Bond.

Happy Weekend Everybody!!!!

I Wish Life Were Like a Musical!!

2008-11-12T21:35:00.006-07:00

April and I finally crossed paths tonight, each with no other obligations...so we did something we haven't done in a long time. We dusted off the old musical collection and chose one to watch. As the strains of "Meet Me in St. Louis" sang us songs from childhoods long ago, I looked over at April and wistfully said, "I wish life were like a musical."

Growing up I NEVER watched cartoons. I don't know how that happened, my parents just NEVER introduced them to me. We would go on the weekend to the video store and my mother would rent us Calamity Jane, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, On the Town, White Christmas, Easter Parade, An American in Paris, Singing in the Rain and the list goes on and on. April and I became obsessed with musicals. We would watch certain musical numbers over and over and over again until we had perfected them. We would spend hours rehearsing our numbers and then when they were perfect, we would call our parents into the family room and they would patiently sit and watch us perform.

April and I always chose who we were...I was always the blonde, April the brunette and luckily for us, most musicals contained one of each. This number from Calamity Jane was one of our favorites. I still find myself singing it when I clean sometimes.

I love how Katie cleans by just throwing everything out the doors. Then, when she paints the door, the holes magically disappear. This only happens if you have a woman's touch. "The pies and cakes a woman bakes can make a feller tell her that he loves her very much! So never underestimate a woman's touch."

The GREATEST musical scene ever, in my expert opinion! When he throws off his hat and yells "aeroplane!' the crush I had on him was INDESCRIBABLE!!

When I was in Junior High I had photos of Gene Kelly in my locker and would dream about him at night. I never listened to traditional radio, only classical, so when people talked about the "New Kids on the Block", I distinctly remember thinking that they were new kids who had moved into the neighborhood, I literally had NO idea who they were....but I could do a mean Oscar LeVant impersonation....so who could ask for anything more?

The BEST and most ROMANTIC "meet-cute" in musical history.

If there is any musical number April and I will NEVER be able to live down, it is "Sisters" from White Christmas. We perfected it for a talent show when we were young. We had big puffy dresses and instead of fans we used these ruffled umberellas....and even now at family reunions my mother will still make us do it. Yes, I am 31 and April is 28 and we just performed this last month.

What defined your childhood?